Buzz Blog

Sure, Craigslist is great for things like selling a car, finding a job or renting a room. But it's also a fantastic site for showcasing the most bizarre crap this city has to offer. Welcome to The Secret Handshake’s best of SLC’s Craigslist: A monthly handpicked collection of Salt Lake City’s finest weirdos, irrelevant rants and useless hoo-haa. Let me be your guide.---

Area man looking for like-minded people to trip balls with, man.

Craigslist title: Psychedelic People (Utah)  

Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity):  I have obtained a small collection of psychedelic substances such as LSD and DMT among other stuff. I'm fairly experienced with these substances. I want to meet people with similar interests. Hit me up. 

If we've learned anything from the D.A.R.E. program, it's that drugs are the most efficient way to make new friends. So remember, if you're gonna get "so high your mind blows chunks through outer space and into the Milky Way," you might as well use the opportunity to meet new and exciting people. 

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I'm looking to start some serious shit with my ex.

Craigslist title:  Hot Chic To Drop Off Kids (SLC) 

Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): Looking for very attractive woman 40ish or younger to drop off kids to ex.

"So, the plan is pretty cut and dry," said Chad as he handed her the keys to the Camaro Z28. "Here's that CD I was telling you about that's basically an hour and a half of Gin Blossoms' "Hey Jealousy" on repeat--make sure that's blasting when you pull up. And uh, yeah, at this point, all you gotta do is drop off the kids at Cheryl's house! We good?" Chad never saw his kids or his car ever again. 

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Looking for babe to drive me to Guy Fieri restaurants.

Craigslist title: Road Girl Buddy 

Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): Looking for a woman to road trip with me from Salt Lake City to Pittsburgh. Prefer a thin, 28-36 year old with a "let's have fun" attitude. She should be willing to help drive and navigate to drive, dives and diners that Guy Fieri recommends, as we drive from Salt Lake City to Pittsburgh. If the chemistry is good, we will be life-long friends. I will pay all the travel expenses. This is safe, real and will be fun.  

Oh come on! Nice try Guy Fieri. After close examination of this photo, it's clear that this post is by Guy himself. Here, I enhanced the photo on MS Paint to prove it. 

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Local pimp wants you to have "the good life."

Craigslist title:  Fly Girls (Salt Lake City) 

Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): Start a new life tomorrow, think of me as "Saul's Get Away Service. I was rich before I met you and I will be rich regardless of how you see what I do. What I do is remove the equation of money. I provide you with food, shelter, everything you need and much more than that, I'll be your daddy. If you're with me, you'll feel secure. You'll have a family. You'll be better off then right now. I put this together, this is my show--you will be on my team. I can replace you or I can take you from being poor to living the good life. Email a full body nude photo with your face showing, along with the words "good life" written in pen on your belly.  

Pimps can be extremely convincing. They find people who are poor, desperate or going through a rough patch and they turn them out with the promise of a "good life." On a related note, I'm having a really tough time writing "good life" legibly on my stomach right now. 

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Give me a ride to the beer store... and I need a cig.

Craigslist title: Ride to the beer store (Salt Lake City) 

Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): Hi, I am drunk already from trying to get rid of my hangover from last night. It was pretty bad due to the whiskey shots. I just drank my last beer and it is questionable if I should drive at this point. I just need a 12 pack so I can party. I have a jar of change and there is mostly quarters so I could count you out a couple bucks to help for gas but not much because I need most of it for the beer. 

I would prefer someone that smokes because I am out of those too and would like to bum just one. I debated between the beer and the smokes but I feel the booze is the way to go. 

I would probably give you one beer but that's it. I need at least 11. 

I am making hot dogs for lunch so if you can make it by noon I would fix you one up. Only have ketchup though because I forgot to get some packets from the 7-Eleven last time I was there.   

Steve read this post and quickly jumped in his car. "I need to make it there by noon," he thought as he blew through a red light. His phone rang. It was his wife. "I don't have time for this shit," Steve said to himself. "This random guy needs to party."  

Twitter: @WolfColin