8 local developments to expect when City Weekly turns 50 / 9 headlines from City Weekly's 80th Anniversary
The Ocho / The Nueve
By Bill Frost @bill_frost, Mason Rodrickc and Michelle Larson
The Ocho
Eight local developments to expect when City Weekly turns 50 in 2034
By Bill Frost
8. NHL team Wasatch Sasquatch celebrates 10 years in Utah with a Stanley Cup win at Dragonfly Wellness Arena.
7.Swig & Smoke opens its 38th combo dirty soda shop/marijuana dispensary in South Jordan.
6.Hologram news reporter Ben Winslow posts about his latest Best of Utah win on dmstrFYRE, the internet's lone remaining social media site.
5.Netflix becomes an exclusively "All Weird Mormon Cult Documentaries All the Time" streaming service.
4.The crowd at a Red Butte Garden concert spontaneously combusts due to regular summer temperatures of 175+ degrees, and they still won't shut up.
3.Thanks to a corporate sponsorship deal, all local restaurants are Olive Gardens. On the upside, each location also contains a State Liquor Store.
2.Apartments in Salt Lake City go for $4,500 a month, but tenants have 650,000 empty units to choose from.
1.City Weekly's EditorBot 5000 requests a golden anniversary Ocho from Gov. Bill Frost, now a floating brain in a jar.
The Nueve
Nine Headlines from City Weekly's 80th Anniversary Edition
By Mason Rodrickc and Michelle Larson
9. The Republican legislature has become so restrictive on women’s reproductive rights that only men are allowed to give birth, and, surely by coincidence, the men now have full and utter bodily autonomy over their reproductive health.
8.Due to the above revelation, the collective groan from women triggers the Wasatch Front’s “big one” earthquake.
7.Due to climate change, the ski season in Utah will only be two weeks: one in early September and one in late May.
6.The City Weekly Kill Count for VR readers will hit record highs yet again.
5.Outdoor Retailers leaves Salt Lake City because too many hotels have been built.
4.Sony loses false advertising campaign over early 2000’s “PlayStation 9” claims.
3.The New Berlin Wall reaches new heights in solar energy storage as well as displacement.
2.TY Beanie Babies have overtaken crypto (again) as the main source of poor investments for your money.
1.SLC announces new slogan of Greatest Toxic Dust Cloud on Earth
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The freaky online world of free KSL classified ads.
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