City Weekly's year-end guide to getting through the holidays and closing out those Christmas lists. 

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Tips for keeping family relations, and your stress level, on an even keel during the holidays.
Gift Guide 2023
By Carolyn Campbell

We all have Christmas dreams. We imagine a house adorned with seasonal decor, a gorgeous tree with gifts that fill our children and grandchildren with joy, a table full of delicious food, and the leisure to relax and make memories.

But excitement about celebrating the winter holidays is often tempered by a secret, underlying fear: "How will we ever survive another family party?"

Along with the demands of attending events, buying gifts and decorating the home is the expectation that we will spend quality time with relatives. Maybe we think our family experiences more conflict than others, assuming that every other family is perfect. "We often compare our 'inside' reality with their apparent 'outside' perfection," says Brent Pace, a local psychotherapist.

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• “There’s often an unspoken goal of making this Christmas better than last year and living up to previous traditions.”—Brent Pace

Though your family may appear to be the only one that experiences seasonal strife, Pace said "the truth is, we are all like that, and many families have meltdowns at this time of year."

He and other experts suggest various tips for surviving the holidays and keeping your family on an even keel during this stressful season.

Set Realistic Expectations
The holidays are a time of high expectations and tension, according to Pace. "There's often an unspoken goal of making this Christmas better than last year and living up to previous traditions," he said. "We need to realize that we are not here to try to outspend each other or show each other our love through the gifts we give. We can lower our expectations and realize that everything doesn't have to be picture-perfect. Particularly considering the current financial crisis, rather than seeking the perfect meal, outfit, and Santa, we can decide that our goal is to spend time with the people we love and enjoy each other's company."

Take Care of Yourself
During the holidays, while taking care of everybody and everything else, take a few minutes daily to take care of yourself, too. "Whatever it takes–a few minutes alone, a manicure, a walk, a haircut, exercise with a friend, a bubble bath or reading a chapter or two of a good book—a few minutes to yourself every day will make all the difference for everyone," said Sherri Caldwell, founder of rebelhousewife.com.

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• “Take time to play those peekaboo games with your grandchild and read simple picture books.”—Cheryl Wright

Simplify Your Schedule
Take a step back when you need to, and feel free to say "no" when you sense you are overbooking your schedule, Pace said. "Celebrating doesn't mean you need to abuse your body. You can also plan how much you will eat or drink at the party."

Simplifying expectations and demands helps parents and grandparents keep quality time a priority during the hectic holidays, said Cheryl Wright, as associate professor at the University of Utah. "Christmas is a time to drop all the to-do lists. Do half of what you anticipate you will do," she said. "Take time to play those peekaboo games with your grandchild and read simple picture books."

Let Things Happen
The holidays may feel sad, lonely and isolated because of an "anniversary reaction," Pace said. "If someone passed away during the holidays, they can remain a grim reminder."

Because of this potential sadness, Pace advises being gentle to both yourself and to your family members. "Sometimes, we only get to see certain family members once a year," he said. "If this is that time, spend time just talking rather than concentrating on the perfect pumpkin pie."

Set a Positive Tone
Offering compliments is a great way to set the tone for a family gathering, Pace said. "Always look for the positive."

He adds that humor is an excellent tool to keep people at ease. He also suggests remembering that a family gathering is a rare occasion that may never occur again.

"We can remind ourselves that we chose to be here and want to be with our family," he said. "Think thoughts such as—'this could be the last time I get to have this experience,' or 'This may be the last year I get to be with my sister.'"

Lose Battles to Win Wars
The holidays are a time to take the high road, Pace said. "If we are competitive and have sibling rivalry, this isn't a bad time to set those disagreements aside and agree to disagree," he said. "You are better off at the end of the night if you keep the peace rather than getting engaged in conflict and heated discussions when all holiday pressures come to bear."

The holidays may bring people together who are on different sides of the political aisle, or who have differing opinions on child-rearing. "We don't have to go to every fight we're invited to," Pace said.

He suggests avoiding the words "always," "never," and "ever." "These are fighting terms in relationships generally—a way of throwing down the gauntlet." Instead, Pace advises the use of "I feel" messages to talk about our views and feelings. "That way, we own a statement," he said. "It's ours, and we aren't accusing the other person of causing the problem."

Offer Yourself an Escape
Use the "buddy system" to ask your spouse or another family member to help stave off potential arguments by facilitating your escape. "If they see you getting upset or red in the face, they can pull you aside and remind you that it's not worth it to get mad," Pace said, "that you've had that issue for seven years, and it isn't going to get resolved tonight."

If your buddy sees you in the middle of an argument, code words or phrases like "we left that package out in the car," can be useful to allow yourself out of a situation, Pace said. "Then you both walk out to the car together."

He added that every house has a sanctuary—the bathroom. "If you find yourself in an argument or need to get your wits about yourself, you can always go to that place, lock the door and regroup," he said. "You can remind yourself of what matters."

Consider a Short Visit
If you are planning to visit a family member and expect the experience to be a little risky because of tension or conflict, shorten the visit in advance, Pace advised. "Rather than going to dinner together, say something to indicate that the available time is limited, such as 'we have to be across town in an hour,'" he said. "Keeping the visit shorter instantly decreases the chance of a problem.

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Never Discipline Someone Else's Children
Although this advice sounds obvious, Pace said it's amazing how many family fights he's seen when this happens. "If the kids are obnoxious, let the parents take care of it."

Consider Helping Others
With the increased number of foreclosures and homeless people, there are more Utahns than ever who could use help during the holiday season. Some of Pace's family members have chosen to avoid competitive and expensive gift-giving by volunteering at the homeless shelter in recent years. "Instead of worrying about just the right tree and the right lights," he said, "we choose to find a family that we can help out."

Give the Grandchildren a Break
Caldwell said that if grandchildren or other extended family members are staying with you for a few days during the holidays, give yourself and the kids a break and turn on the TV. She suggested that grandparents pop a bag of popcorn and snuggle up with the kids for quality holiday time.

"It's the only time of year that TV stations play the wholesome family classics such as Frosty the Snowman and The Grinch almost 24 hours daily," she said. "If you don't have them on video or DVD, get them."