Even Jesus is too woke for the MAGA right 

Jesus was a Capricorn and ate organic food—that much we know. But was he woke? Some conservative “Christians” think so and say His teachings are too “weak” and “liberal,” explained Russell Moore, former top official for the Southern Baptist Convention.

“Turn the other cheek,” is too woke for the Christian right. "When we get to the point where the teachings of Jesus himself are seen as subversive to us, then we're in a crisis," Moore said. Amen.

The family values folks have been preaching something besides brotherly love for a while now. Turn the other cheek? Maybe if they drop their pants first.

“Evangelical” is a scary term for heathens, like Wilson and the band. It comes from the Greek “euangelion,” meaning “good news.” In times past, “evangelical” referred to people and churches committed to the message that Jesus Christ is the savior of humanity. For some on the right it means something like, “Jesus Christ is the savior of MAGAtes,” and others need not apply.

Some 81% of white evangelical Protestant voters went for Trump in 2020, according to Gallup exit polls. After all, who is more Christlike than Donald Trump? “If you come after me, I'm coming after you.”

Well, not exactly what Jesus of Nazareth would say. But then again, He keeps spouting those woke talking points: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” The dude is totally woke. “Love your neighbor?” Ha.

“Treetop Barbie” No Tarzan
Nalini Nadkarni, professor emerita of biology at the University of Utah, was the impetus for a Barbie, known as Treetop Barbie. Nadkarni studies the canopies of forests and spent much of her career in the tops of tall trees, where little-known ecosystems thrive. No Wilson, she doesn't swing on vines and call out “ungowa” to the elephants.

Two decades ago, the biologist put the idea to toy-maker Mattel to create a Barbie that climbed trees for scientific research, she told The Salt Lake Tribune. “I simply wanted to show little girls that being curious about and exploring forest canopies with a crossbow, ropes, helmet and instructional booklet about canopy plants is a possibility.”

If Barbie can be an astronaut, a musician or a doctor, why not? But it was a no-go until 2019, when Mattel introduced its Explorer Series with Barbies of various scientific professions. All told, there are some 176 different Barbies with 9 body types, 35 skin tones and 94 hairstyles. She does get around.

And now Barbie is the star of a blockbuster movie that has over $1 billion in ticket sales worldwide. They even love Barbie in China, but the movie has been banned in Lebanon, Kuwait and Vietnam because it “encourages unacceptable behavior and distorts society’s values.” They know trouble when they see it.

Women’s Soccer Destroying America
Unless you've been living in Iowa—where Republican presidential candidates are eating corndogs and trying to be Mini-Trump—you know the Women's U.S. Soccer Team lost to Sweden in the World Cup.

True patriots pounced—they knew too well why the U.S. lost: Because the team is a bunch of entitled, woke, communist losers. They hate this country and are led by the purple-haired Megan Rapinoe, an LGBTQ activist, who four years ago—after winning the World Cup—said, “I'm not going to the f---ing White House,” when President Trump so graciously invited them. “I'm thrilled they lost. Good. I'm glad you went down,” said conservative commentator Megyn Kelly.

In 2016, the then-world champion U.S. Women's team began demanding equal pay. In 2022, they grabbed worldwide headlines when they got it! And if that wasn't uppity enough, they stood in silence during the National Anthem at the World Cup.

Trump just couldn't help himself, writing on social media: “Woke equals failure ... The U.S. is going to hell.” The internet echoed, “woke pieces of trash,” over and over again. Mike Freedman of USA Today summed it up perfectly: “We have not seen this kind of hatred since Colin Kaepernick took a knee.” It's so fulfilling to have someone to hate. It just brightens up the whole day.

Postscript—That's a wrap for another strange week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of AI (artificial intelligence) so you don't have to. AI, it seems, is everywhere. There's even a new app where folks can text back and forth to Jesus. We wouldn't lie about a thing like that. Maybe Florida's governor will give it a try after reading this headline: “Should DeSantis do mushrooms to be a cooler candidate?”

The rapper known as Drake opened his L.A. concert with this: “Don't throw bras, my 5-year-old son is here.” Throwing bras at Drake has become a thing ever since ... well, ever since women started throwing bras at him. It could be worse.

Saying the political right is up in arms is like saying the sun also rises. Markers honoring Robert E. Lee's horse, Traveller, have been removed from Washington and Lee University in Lexington, VA. Yes, those damn woke commies have canceled a horse. What's next? Donald Trump's first wife Ivana is buried at his Bedford, NJ, golf course. Sad. But recently, sharp-eyed players noticed that tall grass has grown around her gravestone obscuring it. We have no idea what that means.

Last but not least, Republican state legislators, who have been clamping down on abortion rights, think women in the GOP never get abortions. Clearly, they haven't seen Barbie.

Well Wilson, the Christian right is at it again. But now it seems they're turning on Jesus for being woke and empathetic. It's a troubled world and Jesus probably had a good idea that people were always going to screw up. “Forgive others and you will be forgiven.”

So Wilson, tell the guys in the band to put down the bong and take us out with some love and understanding:

Jesus was a Capricorn
He ate organic food
He believed in love and peace
And never wore no shoes

Some folks hate the Whites
Who hate the Blacks who hate the Klan
Most of us hate anything that
We don't understand
“Jesus Was a Capricorn”—Kris Kristofferson