Evolution—why women have bad taste in men 

Hey Wilson, have you ever seen a nice woman with a total creep? Happens all the time, right? You look over and say, what is she doing with that knuckle-dragger? It must be one of nature's constants—otherwise the human race would simply dry up and blow away.

And so that rotten DNA just keeps getting perpetuated and we end up with guys like Jim Jordan, the Ohio congressman who must be a descendent of Dr. Mengele, the Nazi who experimented on death camp prisoners. Notice we've never seen a picture of Mrs. Jordan. Speaking of which, why don't we ever see the wife of Gov. Spencer Cox? Just sayin'.

OK, take for example Melania Trump. No, wait—forget it. We can't go there without professional psychological guidance. Too twisted.

True 'nuff, people don't always hook up for the right reasons. What did Eva Braun see in Adolf Hitler? Not his mustache-thing. Why did Imelda Marcos marry Ferdinand? Lust for shoes? How come bon vivant Eva Perón glued herself to Juan? Don't cry for me, Argentina.

You've probably had friends like Bill and Hillary Clinton—why is she with that whoremonger, sleazebag? Gawd. And then there are women like Mrs. Mike Lee, who must wake up every morning thinking something like: “Help me Jesus, I'm totally screwed!”

Classified Documents and Spandex Pilates Pants
Ever have to move out real fast and then later can't find your stuff? Where are the golf shoes? Tennis racquets? Tax returns? Classified documents? It happens.

That's why many Fox News viewers can sympathize with former President Donald Trump when he explained he had to keep several hundred boxes of stuff—that included plans on how to invade Iran, NATO's vulnerabilities, etc., etc., etc.—along with jockey shorts, support hose and MAGA hats.

Trump had cartons of classified documents piled into bathrooms, banquet halls and Melania's lingerie closet. “I had to go through all those boxes before I gave them back (to the Federal Archives and Records Administration),” Trump told Fox's Bent Baier in an interview. “I had to separate all my things out and I'm kinda busy, you know.”

When Baier pressed the former president on the issue, he said, “It was all declassified, my boxer shorts, my spandex pilates workout pants, everything.” But what about the subpoena, Baier asked. “Look,” Trump said, “the subpoena was for documents—those weren't documents, they were socks and underwear. You can't subpoena socks and underwear.”

But you were caught on tape saying they were top secret? “Yes, that's right, top secret—top secret spandex pilates pants. Not documents, damnit. Cryin' out loud.”

Lifetime Appointment to Luxury Vacations
Oh thank God none of the U.S. Supreme Court Justices were aboard the Titan submersible that imploded last week while on a tourist voyage to the wreck of the Titanic in the North Atlantic. Still, when it comes to the Supremes, anything is possible— “Supreme Court Implodes.”

In the wake of a report by ProPublica, conservative Justice Samuel Alito may be wishing he'd signed up for the deep dive. Alito went on a luxury fishing trip to Alaska on the private jet of hedge fund manager Paul Singer. Oops! He somehow forgot to report the trip on his annual financial disclosure and—surprise—did not recuse himself from cases involving Singer's hedge fund.

No big deal, Alito explained in the Wall Street Journal, because if you use a seat that would have otherwise been empty, it doesn't count. No Wilson, we are not making this up.

This comes on the heels of revelations that conservative Justice Clarence Thomas received luxury travel over years from billionaire Harlan Crow. He didn't report it because, according to Thomas, if the person doing the bribing is your friend, then it doesn't count. Alito and Thomas could have run afoul of the high court's Ethics and Code of Conduct but—wait for it—it doesn't have one. So, King's X you bitches —e pluribus unum and up yours.

Postscript—Alright, that was the week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of Russian revolutions so you don't have to. Not to make light of the chaos in Russia, Wilson, but it is kinda refreshing when the hot mess is in someone else's country for a change.

Think about it, for two whole days we didn't hear about Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert and the rest of the Republican whack jobs in Washington who are fighting over how to impeach President Joe Biden. Well not so fast, we did have Speaker Kevin McCarthy's pledge to impeach Attorney General Merrick Garland for not jailing Hunter Biden—the president's war-criminal son—for tax evasion. And speaking of Hunter Biden conspiracies, the Republican senator from Tennessee, Marsha Blackburn, contends that news of the missing Titan submersible was timed to distract from the release of IRS whistleblower testimony criticizing the DOJ's investigation of the president's son.

And that ain't all: Maria Bartiromo of Fox News fame maintains the threatened coup in Russia was part of an elaborate scheme to shift attention away from Hunter Biden's guilty plea on two tax misdemeanors. Well of course, why else would Wagner mercenary forces turn against Putin? Crazy? No, it's MAGA—same difference.

Well Wilson, maybe it's time we give women their due. After all, they have to wake up to that hairball next to them every morning and make the best of it. Then they have to go to work and get more of the same, if not worse, from their sex-starved bosses. So, tell the guys in the band to straighten up and play something respectful for the people who make the world go 'round:

What you want/Baby, I got it
What you need/Do you know I got it?

All I'm askin'/Is for a little respect
When you come home/Hey, baby
(just a little bit)
When you get home
(just a little bit)

I ain't gonna do you wrong/While you're gone
Ain't gonna do you wrong/'Cause I don't wanna

All I'm askin'/Is for a little respect
When you come home/Baby
(just a little bit)
When you get home/Yeah
(just a little bit)

Ooh, your kisses/Sweeter than honey
And guess what?/So is my money
All I want you to do for me Is give it to me when you get home
(re, re, re ,re)/Yeah, baby/(re, re, re ,re)
When you get home, now (respect, just a little bit)

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Take care, TCB Oh
(sock it to me, sock it to me Sock it to me, sock it to me)
A little respect
(sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me)
Whoa, babe/(just a little bit)
A little respect/(just a little bit)
Yeah, baby
“Respect”—Aretha Franklin