FLASHBACK 1986: Phyllis Schafer describes her "perfect" man. 

click to enlarge

In commemoration of City Weekly's 40th anniversary, we are digging into our archives to celebrate. Each week, we FLASHBACK to a story or column from our past in honor of four decades of local alt-journalism. Whether the names and issues are familiar or new, we are grateful to have this unique newspaper to contain them all.

Title: Bargaining from the Bar Stool: Eye on Perfect Men
Author: Phyllis Schafer
Date: June, 1986

click to enlarge

Last month, one of the women's magazines had a contest. They offered $1000 to the reader that best described the 'perfect man' in the characteristics. I thought the idea not particularly original.

Probably because I'm not dating anyone at the moment, I found myself making mental lists of my perfect man. I decided to compile a list of necessary attributes I want my man to have. My judgment isn't clouded these days by those 'gut feelings', (centered somewhat lower than below the waist) that seem to lead me around by the nose when I'm in love.

click to enlarge

I think most of us would put the perfect man together with just the right proportions of tall, exciting, sensual, well built, intelligent, understanding and successful, or other words and sentiments totaling the same. But that's exactly what we would be doing, putting a perfect man together. It would take combinations of several men to build the perfect one. So I'll forget fantasy, give me reality.

Besides, how many of us possess those same traits we expect or want from someone else? Somewhere down the line, it occurred to me that I must give as good as I get or it just won't work. Or maybe it's just that I've reached the age and the size that forces me to develop a good personality instead.

So, give me a man that. . . . .

1. Makes Me Glad I'm Forty Instead Of 25. That statement could be fantasy instead of reality. Is it really possible to be glad one's forty? I tell myself it is every morning while I'm waiting for the wrinkles on my face to unswell so that I can find my eyelashes to put my mascara on.

2. Thinks I Look Great With My Clothes Off And The Lights On. This one worries me a little.

3. Truly Appreciates Soft Skin. You know, I've never understood all of the soap and cold cream advertisements that guarantee soft skin. Skin automatically becomes soft when you hit forty. Take my advice. All of you 20 year olds are wasting your money.

4. Looks As Bad In The Morning As I Do. Everybody I've ever read on "How to Trap a Man" says things like "never go to bed with your makeup still on. Never go to bed with curlers in your hair. Never let your man see you with uncurled hair. Never let a man see you brush your teeth and gargle." Their solution to these problems, however, include things like. . . . Get up after he's gone to sleep and remove your old makeup. All of those books are written to women and amazingly enough, BY women. So why are they trying to turn us into neurotic, nocturnal, 24-hour beauty queens? If a man never sees me looking bad, how is he ever going to know what a radical difference there is when I look good?

5. Snores As Loud As I Do. The last intimate relationship I had lasted about two years. He just didn't ever tire of me because I snore so loud, we just sort of gave up and became friends.

6. Encourages Me To Be The Best That I Can Be. Lots of men DO think women are the best at some things. Things like cleaning the house, doing the dishes, cooking the meals. . . .

7. Doesn't Make Me Ask Him When He'll Be Home, Who He's With, Or What He's Doing. Have you ever noticed how men FORCE you to ask those questions? Acting suspicious just seems to come naturally to them, doesn't it?

8. Will Let Me Prepare Elaborate, Candlelight Dinners With Soft Music And Silky "Touch-Me" Clothing. He Won't Complain Or Rush Through My "Theatrics." Somehow the ritual can be as exciting as the play, if you can get your man to cooperate, that is. Too many men think it is impossible to make love with 17 pounds of food in their stomach.

9. Will Cook Dinner Sometimes Without Making Me Feel Guilty. I feel so safe and warm when I see a man, barefoot and in the kitchen. It makes me want to make some kind of grand gesture just for him, like putting the lid back on the toothpaste or not washing his underwear with my red sweat shirt.

10. Never Turns Me Away If I Need To Be Held. I wish more men realized how effective this simple gesture is. It keeps the world and all of its problems at bay—if only for a while.

Looking back over my list, I realize I'd actually be getting a man with 11 good traits instead of just 10, because if he can get past the wrinkles, the snoring, and all of those other things that make me the exciting woman that I am, he's got to have a sense of humor. And maybe, while I'm waiting for my perfect man to come along, I'll re-read those books on "How to Trap a Man." I might even practice getting up at three o'clock in the morning and putting on my makeup.