GOP Breakthrough: Earth Not Flat After All 

What? Utah Congressman John Curtis has just said Republicans really do care about climate change. Subversive and traitorous talk like that could get him hanged in West Virginia or Wyoming because Real President Trump said it's all a big hoax. So, what's up with Curtis, who just launched the Conservative Climate Caucus? "Republicans do care about this Earth. ... We, too, want to leave this Earth better than we found it," he said. But there is, of course, a catch: Caucus members will press for private-sector solutions and labeled as sacrilege cutting back on fossil fuels. Why kill the economy just to save the planet? The caucus already has round-filed President Biden's goal to cut emission levels in half by 2030, because it's just un-American. Republicans, Curtis said, "will show the need to depart from the shaming-culture found in today's climate dialogue. ..." Yeah, no more coal-shaming and no more tie-dye Earth Day BS. Still, it is progress because, until now, any Republican uttering the words, "climate change" would have their image photoshopped onto Nancy Pelosi Christmas cards and mailed to constituents with the caption, "Climate change is real, and Earth is not flat." God rest their souls.

Supreme Court: F-You and the Horse You Rode in On
It's official, kids can now tell their teachers and principals to F-off on Snapchat. (We are not making this up.) The case in question involves a 14-year-old girl who posted this after failing to make the varsity cheerleading squad: "F—k school. F—k softball. F—k cheer(leading). F—k everything." Bad went to worse when school officials yanked her off the JV cheerleading squad as punishment. But wait, what about free speech? Her parents filed suit in federal court, arguing that school officials can't impede free speech outside school. The Supreme Court agreed, citing the First Amendment. So, the staff here at Smart Bomb decided to consult our F-bomb experts, Wilson and the band. Nobody told them the First Amendment protected the F-word back in the dinosaur days when they were in high school. When Wilson dropped the F-bomb, he was punished with endless hours in study detention making paper airplanes, because back in the day it was not in common usage—only hardened criminals and cowboys in bars fired off the F-bomb. Times have changed, and now 14-year-olds throw it around like jellyrolls. Soon, F-you will lose all of its obscene sting and phrases like: "F-you and the horse you rode in on," will be like, "Gee, good to see you and your nice pony."

Jan. 6—Forget White Supremacists, It Was the FBI
Ah hah, the truth comes out. The Jan. 6 insurrection was planned, orchestrated and carried out by the FBI. We know this because Tucker Carlson got the legal papers that say exactly that. The charging documents for some 500 rioters refer to "un-indicted co-conspirators" and everyone knows that is government speak for Federal Bureau of Investigations. Now, about Antifa and Black Lives Matter—of course, they were involved; it's just that only white people show up in the videos because those black rascals were in disguise. Next, them people are coming to take away your house, Rudy Giuliani said on Laura Ingraham's Fox News show. And now New York has suspended Rudy's law license because, they say, and we quote: "He lied his ass off about Trump winning the election." Anybody can see what is happening here—the Deep State is taking over the government and stealing our freedom to lie our ass off. And that's not all, as Ingraham explained it: The military is trying to root out conservative evangelicals in its ranks. This is nothing short of a grand scheme called "critical race theory" to get rid of all Caucasians. White People Matter, and they're tired of being trampled on by minorities—it's not fair. White people want their freedom back.

Postscript—Well, pickleball fans, that about does it for another rousing week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of overgrown frat boy Tucker Carlson's drivel, so you don't have to (e.g., Gen. Mark Milley is a stupid pig.) Carlson has perhaps the most watched "cable news" show among the 25-54 age group, drawing well over 3 million viewers. Breaking news: The Manhattan DA may charge the Trump organization with fraud felonies that could shut down the whole fraudulent enchilada. Funny thing, Carlson hasn't mentioned it.

Fortunately, The Donald still has his day job as Real President in Exile, which does provide a tidy income as long as all the "Trump Won" crazies keep donating. Meantime, Jared and Ivanka are on a slow boat to China or hiding in Monaco—totally under the radar. Even they think that daddy is bonkers and don't want to catch that virus. Hey, wasn't your dad the guy who kept saying he was president? Too late to put that genie back in the bottle.

Yep, he's going down in history as the Walter Mitty of Mar-a-Lago. Still, who knows, if Republican legislatures across the land can screw with voting restrictions enough, maybe he could steal Bill Clinton's moniker as The Comeback Kid.

Don't worry, Wilson, that probably won't happen. Anyway, we've got other pressing things to worry about, like hot, hot heat. Do you and the guys in the band have a chilling number for that?

Hot town, summer in the city
Back of my neck getting dirty and gritty
Been down, isn't it a pity?
Doesn't seem to be a shadow in the city
All around, people looking half dead
Walking on the sidewalk, hotter than a match head

But at night it's a different world
Go out and find a girl
Come on, come on and dance all night
Despite the heat, it'll be all right

And babe, don't you know, it's a pity
That the days can't be like the nights
In the summer, in the city
In the summer, in the city

"Summer in the City"— Lovin' Spoonful