"Granfalloons" and the U.S. Space Force 

There are UFOs everywhere. We may be under attack from space aliens. Or they could be friendly, like ET. But U.S. Air Force jet fighters shoot them down anyway.

So where the hell is the U.S. Space Force?

Created by Donald Trump in 2019, it was to be the equivalent of galactic Marines, its troops called Guardians. Oddly, the "Guardians of the Galaxy" is a 2014 superhero movie based on the Marvel Comic of the same name, and it is now the unwanted moniker of the fledgling service. Guardians of the Galaxy!

Their uniforms are camouflage, prompting George Takei—Mr. Sulu on the Star Trek TV series—to ask why anyone needs camouflage in space. To hide behind nebulas perhaps?

Like something out of a Stanley Kubrick film, the U.S. Space Force—annual budget $738 billion—appears to have been based on the Netflix comedy series, Space Force. Trump gets his best ideas from TV. A headline on the Fox News website screamed: "Space Force passes the buck on UFOs as US airspace security questions swirl."

It's reminiscent of Gilbert and Sullivan's comical musical, The HMS Pinafore—"Stay close to your desk and never go to sea and you can be a captain in the Queen's navy." Or maybe it's what writer Kurt Vonnegut called a granfalloon: a proud and meaningless association of human beings.

Woke and canceled? Nikki Haley to the rescue
If you think things are going well, you've been drinking too much kombucha. Just listen to this: "[A] self-loathing has swept our country. It's in the classroom, the boardroom and the backrooms of government." (Websters: self-loathing—like a bad acid trip where you never come down.)

That was Nikki Haley—the former governor of South Carolina and Trump's ambassador to the U.N.—right after she announced she's running for president. Pundits surmised she is too normal to get the nomination from today's Trumpian GOP. Who is her constituency, they ask, RINOs in gated communities?

But she's roaring back in her first campaign ad: "Every day, we're told America is flawed, rotten and full of hate. Joe and Kamala even say America is racist." That ought to get some traction over at Fox and Alex Jones' hate radio.

And that ain't all. Some people (Democrats and woke teachers) say the country's founding principles are "bad" and "racist and evil," she said, and the socialists are rewriting history right under our noses.

OMG! Those woke progressive liberals are teaching about slavery right in kindergarten. Maybe Nikki has the right stuff after all. If she can just find a way to come out against Mickey Mouse and that LGBT-loving Disney World, she just might have a chance.

Red Fannies: Fox News caught with pants down
Embarrassing court documents in the Dominion Voting System's $1.6 billion suit against Fox News unmasks Rupert Murdoch's sinister pandering to Trump World. The cable network's primetime "hosts" make Joseph Goebbels look like a Boy Scout.

The staff here at Smart Bomb has come into possession of text messages that lay bare something people just can't believe.

Laura: Oh bugger. Trump is saying he won. Now What?
Tucker: It's all because of that crazy nut-job Sidney Powell and that idiot Rudy. I think he's on ibogaine again.
Sean: Well, if Trump says he won, then we have to say it, too. We don't want a repeat of what happened after our stupid election desk called Arizona for Biden.
Laura: Well, we could just say there are election irregularities. That's it! Then we don't have to come right out and lie.
Tucker: Come on, Laura. We have to give our audience what they want. And they want Trump to win. We can't have all our viewers going over to Newsmax.
Sean: This could ruin all of us. What good are Trump lies if he's not president.
Tucker: Just keep a straight face and keep lying. It's the only chance we've got.
Laura: I hate this. I hate lying.
Sean: Oh come on, Laura. It's our bread and butter.

Postscript—That's a wrap for another week of slam-dunks here at Smart Bomb, where we pray for The Great Salt Lake so you don't have to. Representatives from various faiths took the pilgrimage to Mount Cumorah—aka Capitol Hill—to light a spiritual fire under the butts of Utah's Republican lawmakers, who can't seem to wrap their heads around the in-your-face fact that the lake is drying up faster than you can say, "Wake up you bastards." The Salt Lake Tribune board of directors huddled in closed session to discuss how to rename the paper once the lake is gone. The leading proposal so far is The Salt Flat News.

Meanwhile, legislators considering SB200, which would decriminalize the use of psilocybin—a naturally occurring hallucinogen— ate magic mushrooms on Ritz crackers to better understand the proposal. They then voted to make abortion a capital offense.

Some in the GOP are jittery that Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, a leading presidential contender, is going too far with his war on "wokeness." He cracked down on Disney World, ended AP African-American studies in Florida and is taking on the national non-profit College Board. Conservative free speech advocate Will Creeley offered this: "You cannot censor your way to freedom of expression." Say what?

Well Wilson, we've just got to look on the bright side. We should just tune out for a week and give our psyches a rest. Oh, that's right, you and the band already have a daily ritual to keep your minds right. And it has nothing to do with psilocybin, right. Don't answer that. Anyhow, maybe you and guys can take us out with something hopeful. So hit it:

I was born by a river that was paved with cement
I was born by a river that was paved with cement
Still I'd stand out in that river and dream that I was soaking wet.

Someday it's gonna rain
Someday it's gonna pour
Someday that old dry river won't be dry anymore.

I played in the orange groves 'til they bulldozed the trees
I played in the orange groves 'til they bulldozed the trees
Still I'd stand out in those dead stumps and smell the blossoms on the leaves.

Some day it's gonna rain
Someday it's gonna pour
Someday those old dead trees won't be dead anymore.

I fell in love with a woman but she did not love me
I fell in love with a woman but she did not love me
Now I'm as dry as that old river and just as dead as those old trees.

Someday it's gonna rain
Someday it's gonna pour
Someday this old heart of mine's gonna fall in love once more.

Someday it's gonna rain
Someday it's gonna pour
Someday that old dry river won't be dry anymore.
"Dry River"—James McMurtry