Gun Control Cop-Outs 

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1. Guns don't kill people, elementary schools kill people.
2. The Second Amendment says we can have Stinger missiles.
3. Guns keep people safe, especially in grocery stores.
4. Some people are mentally ill—let's ban them instead.
5. A good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun—unless he's afraid.
6. Without guns, Marjorie Taylor Greene wouldn't have much to scream about.
7. When guns are outlawed, what will we do with 400 million of them in the U.S.?
8. They didn't ban airplanes after 9/11, did they?
9. People love guns—especially teenagers in Chicago.
10. The NRA gives Republicans tens of millions of dollars each year. Lock and load.

Progress at Last—Edible Tape
Tired of having their burritos unravel, four engineering students at Johns Hopkins University invented edible tape—and get this, it's clear, colorless and gluten-free. We are not making this up.

They've dubbed it Tastee Tape and have submitted an application for a patent. You can use it on any type of wrap—even a lettuce wrap. This could change the landscape of Mexican fast-food forever—would you like that with tape or without? You could use it on those new gigantic burgers at Arby's before the lettuce, tomato and onions fall on to your lap.

It's the biggest tape revolution since people discovered they could use duct tape for almost anything—repairing clothes, holding car fenders together and binding and gagging kidnap victims. Tape has brought civilization a long way, and edible tape is a true breakthrough.

Engineers will surely explore the potentially vast edible frontier. What if we had edible coffee cups so people could eat their Starbucks cup instead of tossing it? And what if we had edible clothes so that if you were stranded in the wilderness or in a plane on the tarmac at JFK, you wouldn't starve to death—just eat your sleeve! But best might be edible books, so when the pitchfork mob comes for the school librarian, she can just eat Of Mice and Men and To Kill a Mockingbird.

Animal Farm
We believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that's the America millions of Americans believe in. That's the America we love. All people are equal, but some are more equal.

Corporations are people—of course, they are. Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to the people. Where do you think it goes? Whose pockets? People's pockets—human beings, of course.

There are reportedly 47% of Americans who are dependent upon the government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, food, housing—you-name-it. We'll never convince them they should take personal responsibility for their lives. But we're not going to give up on destroying the health-care system for the American people.

The media should take a good look at the views of the people in Congress and find out if they're pro-America or anti-America. If this Congress keeps going the way it is, people will really look toward those Second Amendment remedies and say, "My goodness, what can we do to turn this country around?"

Do not let them take away our power. Do not let them take away our democracy. Make a plan right now. Make America great again.

Postscript—That will do it for another confusing week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of Ted Cruz, so you don't have to. See, here's the deal, if there's only one door into a school, then it will be more difficult for a shooter to get in, said the wily senator from Texas. "There aren't too many guns, there are just too many doors." Problem solved.

On another topic of insanity, the Jan. 6 committee hearings will be televised starting June 9. "It's going to blow the roof off the House," said Maryland Democratic Rep. Jamie Raskin. "It's the story of the worst presidential political offense against the Union in American history."

The committee must make the case that Trump and his mob sought to keep him in office after the election of Joe Biden—a coup d'etat. It has conducted some 900 depositions and interviews and has obtained more than 1,000 documents. Beyond a written report, the committee will produce a multimedia presentation and include links to key video evidence.

After the Mueller report and the first impeachment of Donald Trump, Democrats may have concluded they need to create a narrative on a middle-school level in order to convince the public that crimes were committed. And just as important, they'll be playing to the Department of Justice, which would bring any criminal charges.

It's been a weird week. But as Hunter S. Thompson said, "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." And yes, he did say: "Good people drink good beer." So, let's go get some good beer.

Private Eye is off this week. Christopher Smart is former editor of City Weekly and covered local news and politics for The Salt Lake Tribune. Send feedback to comments@cityweekly.net.