Harry Potter and the Golden Plates 

What do sorcery and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have in common? Wait—don't answer that.

Recently, Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling riled some Saints when she said—while denying allegations that she's transphobic—that no one could find any transphobic statements she's made. "It's like when Joseph Smith found the golden plates, and nobody else was allowed to look at them," Rowling posted on Twitter.

After a backlash from church members and others, she just kept digging: "Eleven people claimed to have seen the plates, some of them related to Smith," she conceded, "but there's debate as to whether this was a metaphysical experience, or they genuinely saw them."

As it turns out, Saints of all ages just love Harry Potter even though he's studying sorcery at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. But perhaps the faithful protest too much? "Magic and religion melded in the (Joseph) Smith family," writes LDS historian Richard L. Bushman. "Joseph never repudiated the [seer] stones or denied their power to find treasure. Remnants of the magical culture stayed with him to the end."

Some Mormons now say they will never read Rowling again, and they'll explain to their kids that Harry Potter dabbles in magic and wizardry—nasty business, indeed.

Moonlighting for Orange Jesus
Utah's Zorro—aka Attorney General Sean Reyes—is taking a break from searching for trafficked prostitutes in the jungles of Colombia to defend Donald Trump's propensity for stashing classified documents in his wife's lingerie wardrobe.

Earlier, as you will recall, Reyes came to Trump's aid by rushing to Reno, Nevada, after the 2020 election to investigate allegedly fraudulent voting machines tampered with by Jewish Italian satellites that did not jibe with the Big Lie. What did voting in Nevada have to do with the Beehive State whose minions pay Reyes' salary? Well, it's hard—if not impossible—to explain.

This time around, our Zorro teamed up with 10 other red-state attorneys general to plead in court filings that Trump could not be investigated by the Biden administration for absconding with 11,000 highly sensitive documents because ... well, that gets hard to explain, too.

Some critics say that Reyes is simply feathering his MAGA nest for an eventual run for the U.S. Senate seat now held by Mitt Romney. Word is that Zorro has the blessing of someone who GOP lawmakers call the "Orange Jesus." Just imagine, Utah could have Mike Lee and Sean Reyes as its senators.

If that doesn't give you gas, then you must be another satisfied Latter-day Republican. By the by, where was Mike Lee on Jan. 6?

Poop for Brains
Sen. Ron Johnson—that zany Republican from Wisconsin—is not exactly known for his insight. After the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol, he said, "This didn't seem like an armed insurrection to me." He has called Social Security a "Ponzi scheme." And he said this at a GOP gathering: "I don't know about you guys, but I think climate change is—as Lord Monckton said—bullshit."

And so, last week, folks from NextGen PAC and MoveOn paraded a life-size statue of Ron-John around Milwaukee. The 6-foot, 80-pound likeness was sculpted out of—you guessed it—bullshit.

The staff here at Smart Bomb knows a good thing when they see it. The Republican running for Salt Lake County Clerk, Goud Maragani, said Democrats stole the 2020 election. If he wins, Maragani would oversee elections in the county. So, the Smart Bomb staff will install a giant Jewish Italian satellite detector on his roof to keep voting fair.

Utah's answer to Western star and singer Roy Rogers, Rep. Chris Stewart, said the FBI is not treating Trump fairly regarding the document search at Mar-a-Lago. "The law protects everyone in America ... Well, maybe that's no longer true." Right. So, the staff will erect a life-size replica of Trigger on Stewart's lawn so he can ride to the rescue. And yes, it'll be made of horseshit.

Postscript—Well, that'll just about do it for another zany week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of Georgia peach Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, so you don't have to. "I am not going to mince words with you all," the congresswoman said at Donald Trump's Saturday rally in Michigan. "Democrats want Republicans dead, and they have already started the killings."

Wonder why her husband filed for divorce? How would you like to wake up next to Marjorie Taylor Greene?

Don't answer that.

Death is the theme du jour for the GOP. On his Truth Social platform, Trump said that Sen. Mitch McConnell had a "death wish" for voting with Dems to keep the government open, prompting The Wall Street Journal editorial board to say that it was easy to imagine "some fanatic taking Mr. Trump seriously and literally attempting to kill Mr. McConnell."

The Orange Jesus is full of tough talk lately, telling conservative radio host Hugh Hewitt there would be hell to pay if he is indicted for purloining highly classified documents to Mar-a-Lago: "I think if it happened, you'd have problems in this country the likes of which perhaps we've never seen before. I don't think the people of the United States would stand for it." Stand by, Proud Boys, Oath Keepers and Three Percenters, the revolution ain't over.

Private Eye is off this week. Christopher Smart's Smart Bomb column is a regular feature at cityweekly.net. Send feedback to comments@cityweekly.net .