Irish Fishermen to Putin: Suas Mise, Dude 

You think Irish fishermen are afraid of the Russian fleet? Hah—they told 'em, "suas mise," (Gaelic for "up yours") right to their faces when the Ruskies announced maneuvers in fishing waters off Ireland's southwest coast.

The Mexican standoff between Putin and NATO along the Ukrainian border remains a psycho-drama, but we know what the Russians will face off Ireland's coast—a bunch of pissed off Irishmen. Rather than wait around for NATO, the fishermen took it to Putin, themselves: "If anybody tries to impede our movement in Irish waters, they're going to be in trouble," said Patrick Murphy, from the Irish South and West Fish Producers. "I take this threat as a personal insult."

Following a rash of bad publicity, Yuri Filatov, the Russian ambassador to Ireland, brokered a deal with the fisherman only to have Moscow disavow it hours later. But by including the Irish, Putin may have miscalculated. France, Britain and the U.S. may have missiles, but they don't have the stuff of Irish trawlers, and we're not talking about whiskey—although it could be part of the equation.

And the Russians better hope to God the fishermen's wives don't get involved. That would be one big "bíodh an diabhal agat," which is Gaelic for you-know-what.

New Game, "Gerrymander," Lets You Screw 'Em Good
The New York Times recently described to readers how they might gerrymander voting districts to give their political party a leg up in elections. Here at Smart Bomb, we got to thinking that we could start there and add a few steps to come up with a brand new video or board game to while away the hours before the November off-year elections.

So, spin the wheel. Of course, the first thing any expert political hack would do is to make sure that if potential voters don't speak English or live in a poor, working-class area, they won't be counted. Yes, it's illegal—but there's no penalty, so go for it.

Land on the "fair play" square and appoint a bunch of honorable community leaders to come up with voting district maps that would not disadvantage one party or another. Of course, you'll make sure the group is tilted your way.

Spin the wheel and submit the group's voting district maps to the Legislature, and lawmakers will consider them for a while to make it look legit. Then use your bonus spin to round-file those puppies. This is OK, because the respected community leaders didn't seem to understand what the fuck they were doing. They thought they were setting up for a fair election. That's just silly. It's not American, either. And voilà you win.

Speak No Evil to White Kids—Or Their Parents
Why haven't Utah school officials tried to ban the illustrated novel, "Maus," about the horrors of the Holocaust? The Pulitzer Prize-winning work by Art Spiegelman was banned recently in Tennessee because mice weren't wearing clothes. This stands in stark contrast to Fox host Candice Owens, who proclaimed that Minnie Mouse's pantsuit was tearing apart the fabric of America.

But we digress. "Maus" (Mouse) uses illustrations to represent Jews as mice and Germans as cats. At some points, the German cats force the Jewish mice to strip in concentration camps. And naked mice could make white 8th-graders uncomfortable.

Utah lawmakers couldn't wait to come down on Critical Race Theory because it holds that racial discrimination is part of our history and remains with us. Although it isn't taught in any Utah schools, it could make white kids feel like cats—or something.

"Maus" was based on the author's interviews with his father who survived the Holocaust. It has been acclaimed as one of the most powerful representations of the Holocaust. But it's just one book and every day across this country, conservatives ban books in an effort, perhaps, to rewrite history. That didn't work so well for the Nazis. We'll see how it goes this time around.

Postscript—That's a wrap for another stelar week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of iguanas falling from the sky so you don't have to. No joke, it got so cold in Florida that iguanas resting in tree tops froze and started falling from their perches all over the place—on cars, on people, on skateboarders and strollers. It was biblical—only instead of raining frogs as it did when the Egyptians refused to free the Israelites, it was raining these six-pound lizards. That would have even blown Moses away.

And imagine those poor former hippies now living in Florida retirement homes. If raining iguanas doesn't give them flash-backs, what would? Wilson and the band aren't convinced it's going to rain frogs at the Utah Legislature, but it's going to take something like the parting of the Great Salt Lake to get Wasatch Front gentiles (read Democrats) representation in state and federal government.

Republicans on Capitol Hill aren't exactly reminiscent of ancient Egyptians à la Hollywood's 1963 blockbuster, "Cleopatra." They just don't have the right clothes—important no matter the schtick. No, Utah lawmakers are more like the Spanish Inquisition, orchestrated by Catholic monarchs and the Pope—you can either convert, get the hell out or burn at the stake. And so it goes.

Alright Wilson, this stuff isn't getting any easier. Trump is again rallying his troops for war and Spotify will allow all "responsible" opinions on Covid—like how it could all be a conspiracy. WTF! It's time for a trip off the grid to Senegal or Egypt. The guys in the band know how to travel and blend in, so take it away...

All the old paintings on the tombs,
They do the sand dance,
Don't you know?
If they move too quick (Oh-way-oh)
They're falling down like a domino.
All the bazaar men by the Nile,
They got the money on a bet.
Gold crocodiles they snap their teeth (Oh-way-oh)
On your cigarette.

Foreign types with their hookah pipes say
(Way-oh-way-oh, ooh-way-oh-way-oh)
Walk like an Egyptian.

All the school kids so sick of books,
They like the punk and the metal band.
When the buzzer rings,(Oh-way-oh)
They're walking like an Egyptian.
All the kids in the marketplace say:
(Way-oh-way-oh, ooh-way-oh-way-oh)
Walk like an Egyptian.

If you want to find all the cops
They're hanging out in the donut shop.
They sing and dance (Oh-way-oh)
They spin the clubs cruise down the block.
All the cops in the donut shop say:
(Way-oh-way-oh, ooh-way-oh-way-oh)
Walk like an Egyptian
Walk like an Egyptian.
"Walk Like An Egyptian"—The Bangles