Kill Your Resolutions 

• Alex Springer

I'm gonna be real right now, folks: My goal this week is to send a ballistic missile right into that bunker where you're storing all those pretty little dieting resolutions you've made. They're probably teetering on the edge of the abyss anyway, perfectly priming your resolve for an artful takedown involving pecan pie, Nutella gelato and salted caramel macarons.

To make things even more convenient, all these places are located in the Ninth and Ninth neighborhood, so you don't even have to move around that much to achieve full resolution remission. If you're still on your 2022 diet after reading this, I congratulate you on your god-tier willpower.

Pie Fight (937 E. 900 South, 385-222-5373, thepiefight.com): I've been eating pie for long enough to know that the crust makes all the difference. Sure, some people will try to sell you on their crazy-ass fillings, hoping they will mask the mediocrity of their soggy bottoms. But the pie aficionado knows the power of a golden-brown crust that flakes precisely when it needs to.

Admittedly, I was not expecting such a revelatory crust when I visited Pie Fight. Though pie fans can order whole traditional pies online, their walk-up storefront specializes in hand pies. I ordered a good swath of their dessert pies—blueberry orange, cranberry almond, apple crumble and Boston cream pie—and took them home to share with the family. Not only are they huge for hand pies, but one bite into that perfectly-laminated goodness let me know this place was legit. The blueberry orange was perhaps my favorite, and anyone who digs a good blueberry pie will die for this one. In addition to that perfect crust, you've got an obscene number of fresh blueberries, with just enough orange flavor to balance the whole thing out. Everyone wins at Pie Fight.

Spilled Milk Ice Cream and Cereal Bar (907 E. 900 South, 801-556-1715, spilledmilkicecream.com): By combining the nostalgic power of sugary breakfast cereal with the universal appeal of ice cream, Spilled Milk has created something special. The key to the whole operation is the variety of cereals they have on hand to mix into their signature ice cream cones, milk shakes and cookie ice cream sandwiches. For example, the Match Made in Heaven Shake combines Cookie Crisp, Reese's Puffs and Cocoa Pebbles with vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup to concoct something that speaks directly to my childhood self on a Saturday morning—I was a notorious mixer of cereals, and milkshake-ifying that predilection speaks volumes to me.

The same goes for their cookie ice cream sandwiches. The Crunch Berry smushes vanilla ice cream coated with crushed Captain Crunch Berries between two strawberry cookies. Like the other desserts on the menu, the idea is to take the simple charms inherent within a morning bowl of cereal and ramp the whole thing up with ice cream, cookies and whipped cream.

Dolcetti Gelato (902 E. 900 South, 801-485-3254, dolcettigelato.com): With 40 different flavors of gelato on hand every day, Dolcetti is an authority on frozen treats. You can't really go wrong with their staple flavors—it's hard to branch out from the coconut sticky rice—but it's always fun to go in a few times a week to see what's new. As far as complementary desserts go, their whoopie pies and brown butter chocolate chip cookies pair excellently with Dolcetti's velvety gelato options. Of the options on this list, I'd say Dolcetti is best for those who simply want to cheat a bit on their 2022 diet plan; it's possible to get tiny servings of this sinful stuff. But if you've got your sights set on a full-scale diet dismantlement plan, Dolcetti has more than enough options with which to wreck yourself.

Just Baked (1058 S. 800 East, 801-613-8161, justbakedslc.com): I was recently tipped off to Just Baked, a macaron shop that sticks to online ordering with delivery and pickup options, and it's awesome. Not only is the execution on point—you get that nice mix of chewy and crispy with each macaron—but the flavors are vibrant and creative as well. I assembled my own variety pack that included mint truffle, salted caramel, churro, birthday cake, lemon cream and peanut butter cup, and have to say that I was impressed on all counts.

The churro macaron was the one that surprised me the most. It's a fantastically balanced little parcel of cinnamon flavor that knows when to restrain itself. The peanut butter cup was also delicious, and I liked how it was a bit less subtle with its flavors—it smacks you right in the kisser with dark chocolate and rich peanut butter flavors.

Next time you're in the Ninth and Ninth area and your willpower has taken a crippling blow, find your way to one—or all—of these local bakeries and sweet shops. You might regret it, but I'm willing to bet that you'll get over that regret soon enough.