LDS church could offer 401Ks with tithing—or not. 

Ruling in favor of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in a lawsuit brought by disaffected members, a federal court recently ordered that the church can use tithing anyway it wants. Its investment portfolio is reportedly worth some $100 billion.

As the stock and bond markets shudder and convulse, church leaders might consider launching 401K plans for faithful members—according to a source known only as Deep Throat, who hooked up with Smart Bomb staffers in the underground parking lot at Temple Square.

The proposal, which may be in the hands of the Lord by now, would allow Mormons to invest with the church. In addition to paying their 10% tithing, members could add an additional 10% to join the church's Forever Retirement Plan, which would grow along with LDS Church investments and deliver monthly stipends well beyond death into the Celestial Kingdom.

The brethren have a strong track record of successful investments—even in down times they know how to make the big bucks. Divine intervention can be advantageous.

The plan, it is believed, was developed in part to assuage any anxiety that members might feel knowing their tithing may not be going to charity or church stuff, but rather to extractive industries, big tobacco and Tesla. That could sound counter to LDS principles—but the truth is investments are not always guided by the Lord, said an insider who spoke anonymously to avoid disfellowship and exclusion from the Celestial Kingdom.

Gov. Cox—I’m Having My Cake and Eating it, Too
“I'm not voting for Trump, but I hope he wins.” So said Utah Gov. Spencer Cox before his conversion to Trumposity. Remember Wilson, when Cox fell off the high road and was yucking it up with Trump over the graves of fallen soldiers at Arlington National Cemetery? Thumbs up and high fives in a stunning display of suck-up.

In his latest effort to be on both sides of an issue, the governor signed into law anti-union legislation that banned public sector collective bargaining. But hold the phone, Mildred, now Cox says it's a bad law.

That's right, he made that bold statement after the Protect The Workers Coalition submitted more than 320,000 signatures—more than double the number required to put a referendum on the ballot to repeal the “bad law.” Cox also signed into law House Bill 257, which restricts transgender people from using public restrooms, and House Bill 261, which shuts down Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) offices on college campuses.

So Wilson, what do you think? Are those bad laws, too? Since he's presumably signing into law good legislation and bad legislation, it's hard to know.

He originally championed DEI, but then—presto change-o—came out against it as “bordering on evil.” Several years ago, Cox vetoed transgender sports legislation, saying “When in doubt I always try to err on the side of kindness, mercy and compassion.”

But now that so-called kindness and mercy won't allow people to go, even when they really have to.

Speak No Evil: Utah Delegation Goes Deaf and Dumb
What does the U.S. Supreme Court think it is, ordering the president of the United States to bring back from a notorious Salvadoran prison a man who was illegally deported? He is the president! He is Donald J. Trump for god's sake.

They are only Supreme Court justices. Equal branch of government—hardly. And anyway, Trump is proving a point: Nasty people are not allowed in the land of the free and home of the brave—due process be damned.

Some whiney pundits say Trump's refusal to honor the high court's ruling creates a constitutional crisis. Well, let's see what Utah's elected leaders in Congress—Sens. Mike Lee and John Curtis and Reps. Blake Moore, Celeste Maloy, Mike Kennedy and Burgess Owens—have to say about that.

What? Nothing? The Trump administration refuses to follow the court's order and they offer nothing, nada, zip, zilch.

It could be a first for Lee and Owens, who love the sound of their own lovely voices, not to mention their razor sharp intellect. Why start to honor their oaths to protect and defend the Constitution now when they've had so many chances to speak up?

Well lookit, you've got to go along to get along. And besides, who wants to incur the wrath of Trump over a little thing like refusing to comply with a ruling from the U.S. Supreme Court?

One of the few Republicans with cojones, Alaska Sen. Lisa Murkowski, even said, “We are all afraid of Trump.” So maybe Utah's delegation are not such chickens, after all. Yeah, right.

Postscript—That's just about going to do it for another week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of Mike Lee's tweets so you don't have to. Lee posted 9,310 times on X (formerly Twitter) in the first three months of this year, according to The Salt Lake Tribune. That's about 103 posts every day.

Trib sleuths Robert Gehrke and Emily Anderson Stern counted 4,475 posts in March alone. That's one every 10 minutes. No Wilson, we're not making this up. And yes, it's totally insane. Does he even have time to go to the bathroom?

In his posts, Lee: praised Elon Musk as a patriot; said the U.S. should end support for Ukraine; called for impeaching corrupt judges; called for eliminating the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID), PBS, NPR, FEMA, the Federal Reserve and to leave NATO, the U.N. and the World Health Organization. Lee also tweeted that burger joints should cook french fries in beef tallow and that USAID paid to have Jeffrey Epstein killed. For real.

It's good to know Utah's senior senator is hard at work representing the people of the Beehive State. You're right Wilson, the comparison is apt: Rome may be burning but Mike “Nero” Lee fiddles on.

Times are tough. The stock market is in the tank. Every day brings shocking news from the Trump White House as the man who would be king grabs power everywhere he can. But we gotta have hope—the notion that the world will get back on its axis and gravity will work again.

So Wilson, you and the guys in the band must have something we can cling to as we fall asleep each night. So hit it:

I was born by the river in a little tent
Oh, and just like the river I've been running ever since
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gon' come, oh yes, it will

There've been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gon' come, oh yes, it will
“A Change Is Gonna Come”—Sam Cooke