Looking for prostitutes? Get a psychic like Tim Ballard and Sean Reyes 

What do you do when you're looking for something and just can't find it? No Wilson, we're not talking about your cell phone. Think sex traffickers and the young women they enslave.

Well naturally, you go get a psychic. That's what Tim Ballard did when he headed up Operation Underground Railroad (OUR).

Ballard's good buddy who helped out is none other than Utah Attorney General Sean Reyes—he even went on an undercover mission for OUR in Colombia. Turns out the dynamic duo hired the services of psychic Janet Russon for special ... insight. No Wilson, we are not making this up—Robert Gehrke had it in The Tribune.

Whether her psychic readings led them to South America isn't clear. But if you're going to search for trafficked women, Colombia is as good a place as any. Of course, young women are coerced into prostitution in this country, too.

Reyes did go undercover at the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, but that didn't work out too well. We don't know if it was Reyes' Hollywood disguise or if the psychic got some bad ESP.

Whatever. Too bad Reyes and Ballard had a falling out after women filed suit against Ballard alleging sex abuse. Apparently the psychic missed that one. Darn.

MAGA Mike Johnson Speaker of the House: Blame God
The Lord Almighty has selected Mike Johnson as the new U.S. Speaker of the House of Representatives. Well, that's what Mike Johnson says anyway. And he should know—he's an evangelical Christian with what apparently is a pretty good connection to God.

No Wilson, we would never make up something like that. Here's what Speaker Johnson said upon anointment: “I believe that Scripture, the Bible, is very clear: That God is the one who raises up those in authority.”

Of course, the new speaker is dead-set against separation of church and state. Guess God forgot to tell him why the pilgrims came here in the first place. You do have a point, Wilson, God probably wouldn't forget a thing like that.

But we digress. Looks like the Lord and Donald Trump do have something in common after all—they both selected Mike Johnson. The new speaker is a Trump acolyte who was among the architects who sought to undermine Joe Biden’s 2020 election victory. He also was a member of Trump's impeachment defense team and never misses a chance to kiss up to the former president, who continues his stranglehold on the House Republican caucus.

“A member of the Trump populist wing is now speaker,” said Republican Charlie Dent, a former congressman. God works in mysterious ways.

Burgess Owens: Democrats Banned the Bible
Utahns can be proud of our Congressman Burgess Owens. As his campaign slogan proclaimed, “Burgess is Utah.” OK, OK, some call him a carpet-bagger because he's not from Utah. He is, however, a Latter-day Saint convert and therefore an honorary Utahn.

Some people complain that Burgess filed for bankruptcy five times and then complained about student loan forgiveness. But don't pay any attention to that. Listen, Burgess is into family values and he's pissed off that the Bible has been banned. That's why Americans know nothing of the Ten Commandments, he hissed. “There is the greatest disdain for [God's] laws wherever Democrats rule.”

Damn Democrats. Oops, hold on: A 1963 Supreme Court ruling held that Bible reading and prayers in public schools violated the First Amendment. But the Bible was not banned. Earlier, Burgess said, Democrats “hate God, they hate capitalism and they hate the family movement.”

Americans need to wake up, he warned. “We don’t have anything close to a constitutional republic right now. We have a dictatorship,” he said of the Biden administration.

Some say Burgess doesn't know his ass from third base, but he's a Republican and we need all of them we can get. Otherwise Democrats will govern and they'll make us worship the Devil or Nancy Pelosi.

Postscript—That's going to do it for one Bible-thumping week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of references to God and the Bible in Congress so you don't have to. The new speaker of the House, Mike Johnson, says the Bible guides him in whatever he does. He's also a staunch Trump supporter.

It's no secret, of course, that Trump is a philanderer, has sex with porn stars, bragged about grabbing women by the crotch and on and on. So what scripture does Johnson turn to in order to satisfy God that backing an insurrectionist for president is kosher? Maybe it's Matthew 24:24—“For false christs and false prophets will arise and perform great signs and wonders, so as to lead astray, if possible, even the elect.” Nah, probably not that one.

Maybe it's Ezekiel 4:12-15—“I allow you cow’s dung in place of human excrement; bake your bread on that.” That's getting closer.

Possibly it could be Jonah 2:10—“Then the Lord commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah up onto the dry land.” It is quite reminiscent of Trump in court, where his company was found guilty of fraud.

Still, some of Trump's followers, particularly evangelicals, think he was heaven sent. But St. Peter won't fall for that when Trump gets to the Pearly Gates and says all those charges against him were a big hoax.

Alright Wilson, get the guys in the band to quit sinning for a moment so they can take us out with something for our Christian Congress people who believe in our Lord Jesus Christ. That's a good thing because they're going to need a lot of forgiveness, especially the Republicans who really could use a little spiritual tune up:

To everything—turn, turn, turn
There is a season—turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late!
“Turn! Turn! Turn!”—Pete Seger, based on Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, popularized by The Byrds