Mickey Mouse, you woke rat!
Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis
By Christopher Smart
Utahns awakened (don't say “woke”) Sunday to find that Mickey Mouse and Disney are evil—in case they didn't already recognize that Mickey is a woke rat!
That's right, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis was in Salt Lake City to help the Utah Republican Party get its blood up for the crusade against all things woke. Topping his list of infidels is Disney, you know, the guys who made Snow White, Toy Story and Little Mermaid.
As you'll recall, DeSantis birthed the “Don't Say Gay” legislation that prohibits classroom discussion about sexual orientation or gender identity. Over at Disney World, Mickey, Goofy, Donald Duck and the gang rebelled and the inquisition was on.
DeSantis, who is unofficially running for president, told the faithful reactionaries they are under attack and that he will fight tirelessly against evil wokeness. “We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.” You're right, Wilson, it does sound a bit like Churchill, but great minds think alike, especially if one is a revered statesman and the other is preaching to an ultraconservative GOP convention that has an appetite for dead, burnt bodies. The Rapture was at hand.
Boycott Trans Beer
When Kid Rock pulls a gun and drills a case of Bud Light, you know it's trouble—trouble with a capital “T” and that stands for “trans.” If you've been drunk on corporate beer for the past month here's what's up: Bud Light put the likeness of actress and trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney on Bud Light cans as an Instagram promotion during March Madness—and boy, did the suds hit the fan.
Beer brand identification is central to the male ego, especially in TrumpWorld: Damn it, if Bud Light has a trans woman on its cans, us real men can't drink it no more—people might think we was trans ourselves.
Call it a snafu, putting a trans person on one of the most redneck of beers. On second thought, call it a gigantic f--k up. The boycott was on and sales fell off a cliff as some retailers stopped carrying the brand in an effort to reduce violence. The brewer, Anheuser-Busch, quickly retreated: “We never intended to divide people,” said CEO Brendan Whitworth.
Bud Light marketing director Alissa Heinerscheid disappeared off the coast of Argentina, never to be seen again. Rumors are swirling that a new marketing director will try to save the brand by recasting it as “No Trans Light” or “Real Redneck Light.” But the question remains: Why would anyone drink Bud Light in the first place? Guess you'd have to be a redneck.
Why Republicans Do What They Do
The staff here at Smart Bomb took a deep dive into all things GOP in an effort to explain how the “Party of Lincoln” became the “Party of Trump.”
—Republicans do what they do because their mothers used Johnson & Johnson baby powder, now revealed to contain asbestos.—Republicans do what they do because as children they didn't get what they wanted for Christmas and instead got weird Rube Goldberg toys that infuriated them.
—They do what they do because as youngsters they rejoiced in pulling the legs off grasshoppers and liked practicing medical experiments on tadpoles.
—Republicans do what they do because in 7th grade a bully took their lunch money and called them “dipshits” and made them cry.
—They do what they do because in middle school they were peeping toms and told everyone that Suzy Cream Cheese had big ones and then had to apologize to Suzy in front of everyone in home room.
—Republicans do what they do because in college they knocked up Suzy Cream Cheese and blamed the entire fraternity house.
—Republicans are who they are because they cheated on the LSAT and then had daddy land them a job at a big law firm where everyone soon found out they were total shitheads, which qualified them for membership at the country club.
Postscript—Not in my backyard. Apartment buildings are springing up like mushrooms along the Wasatch Front. Traffic is horrible. So is the air. Utah's business and political leaders love it. Well, the staff here at Smart Bomb isn't exactly thrilled.
The cool place is losing its coolness, overrun by cars and people. It's what's called NIMBYISM: Not in my backyard. People put NIMBYS down but Wilson and the band aren't afraid to be called NIMBYS. Here's why:—You know you're a NIMBY if you get lost in your own town when sober.
—You know you're a NIMBY if you swear at cars with out-of-state plates.
—You know you're a NIMBY if you get mad when there's no parking anywhere.
—You know you're a NIMBY if someone says Kimball Junction is Park City.
—You know you're a NIMBY if you hate tourists with skis.
—You know you're a NIMBY if you hate tourists: period. Alright Wilson, it's been another historic week here on Planet Earth, where there was actually some good news: Tucker Carlson was fired from Fox News! What's next, Donald Trump convicted of Georgia election law violations? Quick, get the band and give us some marching music for DeSantis' crusaders in their fight against Disney and all things woke:
Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did—well, really—what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light in every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
“Hallelujah”—Leonard Cohen
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