Nothing Up His Sleeve—Or Above His Collar 

Have you heard the news? Utah's great American freedom fighter and sleuth who couldn't find prostitutes at the Sundance Film Festival—Attorney General Sean Reyes—is "considering" running against Sen. Mitt Romney in 2024. Reyes political skills are, shall we say, remarkable, given that his Midas touch often turns events into something that isn't exactly gold—more of a brownish hue.

Shortly after the presidential election, Utah's AG scurried to Nevada to help Donald Trump's team investigate election "irregularities," after every major U.S. news outlet had called the race for Biden. Nevada AG Aaron Ford politely told Reyes to "mind his own [f—ing] business." In December 2020, Reyes joined a group of 16 other Republican state AGs in a lawsuit to overturn the results of the presidential election. Critics labeled it "dumb" and The Supreme Court rejected it out of hand.

The hits just keep coming: In 2016, Reyes and the boys went undercover at Sundance in search of prostitutes. The Deseret News reported this: "They didn't find anything, but say they learned they might not be looking in the right places." Your tax dollars at work! You could be right, Wilson, maybe the Hawaiian shirts gave them away in that sea of black attire.

"I'd Rather be a Russian than a Democrat"
MAGA Russian lovers are having second thoughts—or are suddenly quiet—about their platonic relationship with Vladdy "My Daddy" Putin. At CPAC this year, Lauren Witzke, said: "Russia is a Christian nationalist nation ... I identify more with Putin's Christian values than I do with Joe Biden."

In August 2018, two men appeared in The Cleveland Plain Dealer wearing T-shirts that proclaimed, "I'd Rather Be A Russian Than A Democrat." After it went viral they said they were "just foolin' around." Maybe, but evangelist Franklin Graham lauded the Russian dictator for "protecting children from any homosexual agenda or propaganda [like we have here in the U.S.]."

When Putin unleashed Russia's military might on Allepo, Syria, a World Heritage Site, reducing it to rubble, rightwing Christians applauded him for protecting Christianity. (We couldn't possibly make this up.) Tens of thousands of civilians were killed. Christian values, indeed.

It's no secret that Donald Trump is a Putin toady and that evangelicals believe Trump to be heaven-sent to save America from gays, heathens and Democrats. So what if Putin has to kill tens of thousands of innocents to save European Christendom? And please don't ask what would Jesus do. That wouldn't be fair.

Protecting Police—Citizens, Not so Much
Utah's law and order lawmakers recently passed legislation that would deny public access to some police records and that, no doubt, would impede accountability. Meanwhile, Republican legislators refuse to budge on the standard for use of deadly force: When an officer feels threatened or believes others are threatened he may use deadly force.

This despite pleas from Salt Lake County D.A. Sim Gill that the law be overhauled. "We are at a point where a legitimately dangerous profession has protections in a disproportionate way to the expectations of our communities," he said.

But hey, here in Utah, cops are trained to shoot first and ask questions later. Case in point: Dillon Taylor, 20, was shot dead outside a convenience store when a cop thought Taylor was about to shoot him. Taylor was not armed, but according to Utah law the D.A. had no choice but to find the shooting justified. The civil suit brought by Taylor's family was tossed out of court. The list of tragedies goes on and on.

D.A. Gill said the public needs accountability. The trend, however, is in the opposite direction. Republican state Rep. Paul Ray said if people want different outcomes they should lose the attitude. "We're making excuses for people, and I'm done making excuses for people."

Postscript—That's a wrap for another week here at Smart Bomb, where we're done making excuses for the Republican-dominated Utah Legislature and their pledge to take us back to the 1950s. Well, you do make a good point, Wilson, the 1950s are starting to look pretty good (except for civil rights).

But remember, Chuck Berry didn't come around until 1955—one of the first practitioners of rock 'n roll. He released "Maybellene" in 1955, "Roll Over Beethoven'' in '56, "Rock Roll Music" in '57 and "Johnny B. Goode'' in '58. And get this: "Johnny B. Goode" was launched into space in 1977 on NASA's Voyager 1 probe along with Mozart and Louis Armstrong—to give extraterrestrials a hint at who we are. You can imagine how Little Green Men might react when they hear: "Go go/Go Johnny go!/Go, go/Johnny B. Goode!"

Of course, we can't ignore Elvis, who rode to fame in 1954 with his cover of Arthur "Big Boy" Crudup's rhythm & blues ballad, "That's All Right." He backed that up with "Hound Dog" in 1956, Big Mama Thornton's 1952 blues hit.

The blues is the foundation for rhythm & blues, which, in turn, led to rock 'n roll and changed the world. Outer space? Maybe, if the Green Men dig "Rock Roll Music with a backbeat you can't lose it."

Well Wilson, you might be driving a garbage truck today if it weren't for Chuck Berry, Elvis, Buddy Holly and the others. We've come a long way and the music has been amazing and a magic balm for our troubled world. So why don't you and the guys in the band give our marvelous Attorney General Sean Reyes some balm for his troubles:

Moonlight over the alley
Baby, where I come from<
There's a poison girl, poison girl

Sister do medicine business
Three dollar down for the gun
She's a poison girl, poison girl

I be waiting uptown
While she gone underground for a ride
I be waiting uptown
While she passes some trick on the side

Well, I'm sitting here burning my money
It worth nothing if only to score
With that poison girl, poison girl

There's a place and I know
Anybody can go for their price
There's a place and I know
You be putting your soul up on ice

Well, well, mama said, "Son, what is your hurry?"
Mama did not even know what I have done
For that poison girl, poison girl
"Poison Girl"—Chris Whitley