Quick on the Trigger 

Even the few people who actually read Dick Cheney’s memoir probably missed the really interesting parts, which the wily war criminal tucked in the footnotes. Forget about the yawn-inducing “revelations” about how he snookered Colin Powell, humiliated Condi Rice and water-boarded Carrot Top, among others. To save you the time and effort of searching through the footnotes during a browse at The King’s English (the tiny print will give you a headache), our team of editors has selected the creme de la creme of the really significant revelations.

Previously undisclosed, like those locations the snarly Veep absconded to in times of danger, the interesting parts, which show a soft and tender side to the notoriously nasty grouch, are revealed here for the first time. For ease of reference, the sentences from the actual text have been provided (with page number and footnote number), followed by the footnote itself.

Page 57: “I convinced the president that for the good of the country, we needed to retreat to separate locations whenever our country was under attack. People assumed that the undisclosed locations were bunkers deep underground. In truth, I often rented a room at the Y, hung out at Starbucks or went fishing in Wyoming.*”

*Note 13: “W. was such a pinhead that he never figured out that during Code Reds, I was usually holed up with Laura in the Lincoln Bedroom, which is equipped with good wine, soft music and satin sheets. The Pinhead got on her for smoking too much, and then joked about how she and I smoked the same brand—Marlboro Lights. ‘You been bummin’ cigarettes from Mr. Wheezy?’ ” Totally clueless. By the way, ‘Mr. Wheezy,’ my ass!”

Page 144: “The so-called late-night comics had a few laughs at my expense with regard to me shooting good old Harry Whittington in the face on that duck hunt. Even my wife got in on the act, teasing me about how I had always been ‘too quick on the trigger.’ *”

*Note 29: “Too quick on the trigger? Hah! Lynn is the mother of my children, but she was never my soul mate, and if I was ‘quick on the trigger,’ it was because I wanted to fulfill my marital obligations as quickly as possible. It was a whole different wad of bee-bees with Laura. Those Fort Worth librarians sure do know how to treat a guy. We’d be lying there in an ex post facto afterglow, sharing a smoke, and Miss Laura (my pet name for her) would purr, ‘You take a lickin’ but sure as shootin’ keep on tickin’. Mr. Wheezy, my ass!”

Page 231: “Condi came into my office after another difficult meeting with Clueless George. She has a soft spot for W., maybe because he thinks she’s married to football great Jerry Rice.*”

*Note 64: “Condi started in again on Laura. She’s not a big fan of Laura’s—I don’t know why. I confess, actually I steered the conversation in Laura’s direction. I just like to hear her name. Laura! Laura! Condi said W. confided in her about his suspicions that Laura is having a fling with Rummy. Somehow it’s connected to Laura telling W. to stop calling her ‘Bushie,’ which has been his pet name for her for 30 years. Condi said Laura told W. to call her ‘Miss Laura’ instead. Should I be jealous?”

Page 369: “For years, White House doctors had been telling me I needed a heart transplant (hey, at least I didn’t need a brain transplant, like some people I know), so when my job running the world was over, I signed up for a new heart—not a real one, but one of those battery-operated gizmos. After the operation, I was unconscious for several months, which was nice, because I dreamed of crushing grapes at an Italian villa with Sophia Loren.*”

*Note 99: “Walking hand-in-hand with me after crushing grapes was Laura, my Laura! But when I awoke, she was nowhere to be seen. All night, as my new ticker hummed along like an Alfa Romeo in second gear, I listened for her footsteps in the lonely corridors of the intensive-care wing. Perhaps she was jealous of me playing footsie with Sophia. But it was just a dream!

“Then Henry Kissinger came to me in a dream. ‘Power is an aphrodisiac,’ he said, ‘and now you are out of power. Laura has dumped you, pal.’

I don’t believe him. I’ll wait in the dark for her, and then some night …”