Real adultery on “Real Housewives” and the Top 10 reasons Mitt Romney is leaving the Senate 

Call it news you can use, Wilson. Monica Garcia, the new cast member on Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, had an adulterous affair with her brother-in-law. We would never lie about a thing like that. You can read all about it in The Salt Lake Tribune, where Smart Bomb's old pal Scott Pierce keeps a close eye on the Real Housewives.

People have a thirst for this stuff, Wilson, because it's titillating and piques prurient interests without—here's the best part—any risk. And, of course, it's great click bait.

But we digress, the reality TV show needed a new cast member after Real Housewife Jen Shah was sentenced to six and half years in the big house for conspiracy to commit wire fraud. You're right, Wilson, you have to wonder whether Jen Shah was a housewife or just a huckster in heels.

And what does this say to little girls who see these women cheating and, well, cheating. What if Mattel created Real Housewife dolls? Look out, Barbie!

NEWS FLASH—This just in: Jen Shah has bonded in federal prison with Elizabeth Holmes, the one-time Theranos CEO who got 11 years for duping investors in a billion dollar blood-testing hoax. It's like Orange is the New Black, only for real—life imitating art, imitating life, imitating weird B.S. on TV. Is this a great country, or what?

The Few, The Proud, The “Woke,” The Marines
Alright now Wilson, this is serious. The U.S. Marines are “woke.” And that ain't all—the Navy is “woke” and the Army is “woke,” too. No word on the Air Force or Coast Guard yet, but it's not looking good.

Alabama Republican Sen. Tommy Tuberville got wind that sailors were reading poetry on an aircraft carrier. Poetry, for god's sake. Next thing you know Marines will be reading Shakespeare—from the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Stratford-upon-Avon. Holy Hamlet!

No wonder Tuberville is holding up all those military promotions. “Biden is building a woke Army,” he hissed. Right now, they're probably making the basic training grounds on Paris Island into the Globe Theater. What's next, funny hats and shirts with puffy sleeves?

OK, that might be a slight exaggeration, but the writing's on the wall. In a recent congressional hearing, Republican congressmen took issue with military brass and their efforts on inclusion and diversity and wondered aloud about “pronoun training” for drill instructors to be sensitive to non-binary recruits: “Excuse me sergeant, but I demand you call me 'they.'”

Actually, there is no “pronoun training” and the military is about as woke as John Wayne. The Republicans doth protest too much. It's much ado about nothing.

Top 10 Reasons Mitt Romney is Leaving the Senate
10. The Capitol Cafeteria discontinued lime Jell-O.
9. Mike Lee is a dick and says we're not a democracy.
8. Brando wannabes Sen. Josh Hawley and Sen. J.D. Vance make him puke.
7. Nebraska Sen. Chuck Grassley's breath. Is he dead or alive?
6. That slut Ted Cruz, who thinks his beard makes him look like a cool cat.
5. The Capitol Cafeteria's pan-seared Atlantic Salmon tastes like cat food.
4. Mitch McConnell couldn't vote for impeachment because he didn't have the cojones.
3. The slime on the Senate men's room doorknobs where Lindsey Graham has been.
2. He's tired of being the sucker who takes one for the team.
1. And the top reason Mitt Romney is leaving the Senate: Republicans.

Postscript—That's going to do it for another splendiferous week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of impeachments so you don't have to. This is as good a time as any to impeach Hunter Biden … er, uh, oops, make that President Joe Biden because—according to a handful of right-wing Congress members—he deserves it.

Payback is a bitch. Democrats should have thought about that when they impeached then-President Donald Trump in December 2019 for abuse of power and obstruction of Congress after he pushed Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy to dig up dirt on then-presidential rival Joe Biden in exchange for $400 million in military aid that had already been approved by Congress. He was acquitted in the Senate 47-53.

Then those damned Democrats impeached Trump again on the ticky-tac charge of “incitement of insurrection” for the attack on the Capital. The Senate voted 57-43 to convict, falling short of the needed two-thirds majority.

Now it's Joe's turn even though there is no evidence tying him to Hunter's business dealings in Ukraine. Hunter has been indicted on tax evasion and three gun charges. Impeach the bastard! And while we're at it we might as well impeach his father—on principle alone. Then, let's go after the First Lady.

Poor Jen Shah and Elizabeth Holmes—they're just rotting away in prison, Wilson. Luckily they've found each other and can exchange notes on how to—and how not to—rip people off. They've done the crime and now they've got to do the time. So wake up the band and let's crank one up for those ladies of the big house:

Breaking rocks in the hot sun
I fought the law and the law won
I fought the law and the law won
I needed money because I had none
I fought the law and the law won
I fought the law and the law won

I fought the law and the law won
I fought the law and the law won
“I Fought the Law”—Sonny Curtis, popularized by the Bobby Fuller Four