Raise your hand if you've ever used KSL Classifieds to buy or sell something. Now put your hand down, because I can't see you or your lightly-used beige sectional with six cupholders.
The Classifieds page at KSL.com is the only useful part of the KSL Borg that includes a TV station, a radio station and daily glossed-over "news" takes about whatever region of Trumpy the Clown's plentiful ass Gov. Spencer Cox is smooching at the moment. It's a place to sell stuff, buy stuff and read some of the most out-there descriptions of stuff ever committed to pixels.
Here are but a few very real listings from KSL Classifieds' "Free" section:
"Free Puppy: Got this for my son, but he doesn't want it."—Damn. You might want to check the back of your son's head for a 666 birthmark. But if it's a 999, no worries.
"Free Bumbo: None of our kids enjoyed it. If you want it, you can have it."—More problem children. FYI, a Bumbo is a floor seat for babies aged 3 to 12 months, a demographic notorious for blasé product reviews.
"High-End Piano Free: This piano is beautiful with original ivory keys. Only one (insignificant) key is stuck."—Which piano key is considered "insignificant"? C# has been marginalized for too long.
"Free Cuervo Mix: Free, unopened Cuervo mix for margaritas. Refrigerated, no alcohol."—Hey, Cinco de Mayo is just around the corner.
"Free Cosequin for Dogs: My sweet little dog crossed the rainbow bridge, and I have about 20 tablets left."—Yes, it's a sad listing, but you'd be able to treat your achy joints for at least a few weeks after Leon Musk chainsaws your Medicare.
"Free Bags of Inflated Balloons: We used these for a bridal shower, and I hated to throw them away if someone could use them."—There are several extremely cheap wedding planners with eyes on this one right now.
"Free King Mattress: The stain is only Coca-Cola."—The specificity isn't suspicious at all.
"Free Microwave With Broken Door: Works fine, but the front door is broken."—Open-air microwaving is really healthier for you, anyway. I read it on Goop.
"Looking for Free Boats! If you have any boats that you are trying to get rid of that have titles, I am more than happy to take them. Just looking for some boats for the summertime."—This was placed by either an 8-year-old or the characters played by Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly on Step Brothers.
"Free Rocks: Used rocks, 3.5 million years old. Original owner. Low miles."—[Slow clapping] Bravo, sir, bravo.
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