The grand old circular firing squad 

Well, this is another fine mess we've gotten into. The inmates took charge of the asylum last week in the U.S. House of Representatives and yes, the revolt was televised. As the old saw goes, you don't want to watch legislators making sausage or mud wrestling or whatever that was on C-SPAN.

Twenty ideological buccaneers—many of whom are election deniers—dragooned would-be leader Kevin McCarthy into ceding much of the speaker's power to them, setting the stage for a Congress of chaos, blackmail, government shutdowns and god knows what. Put on the popcorn, we're in for two long years of treachery that'll make "Dangerous Liaisons" look like "Leave It To Beaver."

That this Shakespearean roller derby unfolded on the second anniversary of the Trump insurrection must be karma or the result of a blind, ultra-conservative, damn-the-institutions ideology that GOP leaders have stoked for decades. One of the rascals, the vainglorious Matt Gaetz of Florida, actually nominated Donald Trump for speaker, raising the specter of Robespierre and guillotines on the floor of the House.

McCarthy finally won the speaker's chair on the 15th ballot, but came away looking like Capt. Bligh on the H.M.S. Bounty as mutineers lowered him in a little boat and cast him onto the high seas of no redemption.

Breaking news! Prince Harry spills the jewels
Hey Wilson, have you and the guys in the band read Prince Harry's new tell-all memoir, "What Happens In The Palace Stays In The Palace." OK, maybe you've had enough of Harry and Meghan, but here's a roundup for the rest of the world who just can't get enough of the soap called "What Up At Windsor."

Of course, we've known the Royals are a mess ever since then-Prince Charles two-timed Princess Di, who died in a tragic car crash in 1997. Fast forward to 2018 and Prince Harry marries beautiful social climber Meghan Markle, who happens to be of mixed race. Behind the scenes the Royals fly into hysterics because centuries of inbreeding will be messed up with Meghan's DNA.

In 2020, Prince Charming and his TV starlet wifey quit their Royal duties because Meghan is sick and tired of the endless bullshit. They are summarily cut off by the late Queen Elizabeth and go all in for celebrity to make bank on all things Windsor-esque, which means they must garner headlines by revealing embarrassing secrets about Prince William and Princess Kate. In turn, Willam and Kate have a public shit-fit. Then Harry and Meghan bust their own public shit-fit and get rich claiming their private lives are being invaded by British tabloids as they go on Oprah to reveal their oh-so-special Royal-less private lives.

Here "they" come
Pronouns are driving the Christian Right and Republicans bonkers. Yes, pronouns, like "he," "she" and "they." Gays and lesbians are one thing but the Supreme Court said same-sex marriage was legal under the Constitution. Even The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, aka the Mormons, came out in favor of the Defense of Marriage Act, in language that cleverly gave the OK to gay marriage without actually putting the Moroni stamp of approval on it.

So, that's that. But the transgender thing is another ball of wax altogether and is the kind of fodder right-wingers need to escalate their Culture Wars. When "he" becomes "she," or when "she" becomes "he," it's time to draw a line in the sands of Babylon.

Red states are ginning up anti-trans legislation faster than Jimmy Dean can make sausage. Utah is among 11 states debating whether to restrict access to teens for transgender healthcare, including medical procedures. It's more than physical—many trans people identify on a binary scale: male or female. But some say they are non-binary and prefer the pronoun, "they." That's unsettling for religious Republicans when trying to grasp how one person can be a "they." It gives "here they come" a whole new meaning that leaves anxious conservatives twisted up like sticky cheese pretzels.

Postscript—That's going to do it for another white-knuckle week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of 6-year-olds who shoot their teachers so you don't have to. For real: A pissed off first grader in Newport News, Va. pulled a handgun out of his backpack and shot his teacher. Stricter gun laws? Nah, that would interfere with the 2nd Amendment right to bear arms in first grade.

What the hell? President Biden raised the price of eggs from $1.50 to over $5. OK, it was the bird flu, but if we're blaming Biden for inflation, why not. Overall, the price of groceries is up 13.5% over the past year.

While we're on the subject of gastronomy, here's something from our "Hot Dog"-file: Oscar Mayer is recruiting drivers for its 12 Wienermobiles that criss-cross the country shilling their famous health food. But it's a hard gig to get. Qualified applicants must have a bachelor's degree in public relations, advertising or marketing. Whoa, just to drive a Wiener-mobile? It's a mad, mad, mad world.

And finally this: Sheldon's Wines is marketing its "Royal Blush," a 2011 French rosé, with an artist's rendition of Prince Harry shooting pool bare-assed naked. Harry made headlines in 2012 when TMZ photographed him in the buff playing strip billiards in Vegas—and it did not stay in Vegas.

Well Wilson, strip billiards for cryin' out loud. It's actually kinda weird, but how are princes supposed to stay busy, anyway? The Queen, God rest her soul, probably didn't dig it at all. Alright Wilson, tell the guys to put down the beers and the bong and take us out with a little something for Prince Harry whose name is mud once again in the House of Windsor:

I used to hang out at Jack's Pool Hall
You go down there and don't do nothin' at all
If you wanted to play some cards there was a game in the back
If you wanted a shot of somethin' you went and talked to Jack
If you had a little money and you was a grade-A fool
There was a guy down there who used to shoot a little pool

Rack 'em up
Til' the day he was dead that's all they ever said was
Rack 'em up
He didn't own a TV set, didn't own no car
He ate whatever Jack was makin' back behind the bar
They said he had a wife, but she left him in tears
He hasn't been home once in twenty five years
Rack 'em up

They'd come from all over thinkin' they was pretty hot
Put their money on the table, wanna play the best we got
Nine in the corner, five in the side
He'd take a hundred dollar bill and just let it ride
I'd tell 'em "Listen here sonny, there ain't no disaster
There ain't no shame in being beaten by a master."

Rack 'em up
Til' the day he was gone they said it all day long
Rack 'em up
"Rack 'Em Up"—Jonny Lang