The idiot’s guide to bliss in the Donald Trump years. 

1. Turn off your morning alarm clock and take afternoon siestas in a Mayan hammock.
2. Drink any and all liquids you can get your hands on.
3. Absolutely never watch the news on TV, it harms the cerebral cortex.
4. Don't put white substances up your nose, especially when watching news on TV.
5. Listen to a lot of Reggae music. Ganja and tie-dye T-shirts are optional.
6. Take up western swing dancing. It gets easier after a couple of pitchers of beer.
7. Go barefoot outdoors when possible. (Never, ever wear 100% cotton socks.)
8. Do not argue with your spouse—about anything. Practice deep breathing and say, “Yes dear.”
9. Pay no attention to the stock market. In the end, you're going to die anyway.
10. And finally, quit your job, sell the house and hawk designer knock-off sunglasses at the beach. Your life will be so much better.

What Utah Leaders Really Say About Trump’s Tariffs
Editor's note: The crack staff here at Smart Bomb logged on to the Signal app and retrieved communications that might be those of Utah's congressional delegation—or not.

Sen. Mike Lee: “Well, let's see, hmmm, they ... well, I'm gunna keep an open mind because I don't dare say bad stuff about Trump. But who knows ... mmm, uh, it could be really good for the country because, you know, I mean, think about it ... uh ... like, what if it turns out OK?

Sen John Curtis: “The thing of it is that we want better trade relationships with the 100 countries that Trump just screwed ... er uh, that is to say, tariffs, um, I used to be a businessman and tariffs are tariffs. This might strengthen our economy and make us more competitive on the world stage and, you know, stuff like that—possibly.”

Rep. Celeste Maloy: “Our trade partners have been ripping us off. The American people voted for President Trump to smack the world upside the head so they'd quit being so uppity and start apologizing to President Trump and start kissing his rosy red ass. It's all based on trade deficits, whatever that is.”

Rep. Burgess Owens: “WOW! The Art of Reciprocal Tariffs … a boon, I say it's a boon for America’s Middle Class. No more free access to American markets, you stiffs. If you tariff us, we will tariff your asses back. Suckers.”

The Good Ol’ Days of White Nationalism Are Back!
Don't you just long for simpler times, when men were men and women were women and minorities knew their place? Well Wilson, President Donald J. Trump is bringing it all back.

First off, he's getting those woke historians at the Smithsonian Institution to get rid of some of that embarrassing history: “to work to eliminate improper, divisive, or anti-American ideology from the Smithsonian and its museums, education and research centers, and the National Zoo.”

Can you believe it? According to those unpatriotic history weirdos, the United States has “used race to establish and maintain systems of power, privilege, and disenfranchisement.” Like this is some kind of racist country, or something. Jeff Davis is rolling over on his stallion.

That just ain't gonna fly. So, President Trump signed an executive order to make sure “American history is celebrated accurately, fairly, and with pride—honoring the remarkable progress, liberty, and ingenuity that define our great [white] nation.” Yeah, damnit, that's more like it.

Sure, there are the whiners who'll say stuff like, “can we trust a guy who renames the Gulf of Mexico over his morning cereal just because he's bored?” But why concentrate on stuff like slavery, child labor, women's suffrage and poverty when we could be reminiscing on how cool our white, Christian nation is?

Or, as George Orwell put it: The most effective way to destroy people is to deny and obliterate their own understanding of their history.

Postscript—That's it, another insane week is in the books here on planet Trump, where the crack staff here at Smart Bomb keeps track of tariffs on penguins, so you don't have to.

This is no joke—or maybe it is—Trump's bean counters have levied a 10% tariff on the Heard and McDonald islands in the Antarctic. No Wilson, this is for real and reveals how Trump's magical tariff formula will make sure the penguins and seals down there stop ripping us off with their unfair trade barriers. The Australian territories—which sit 2,485 miles southwest of Perth—haven't been visited by humans for a decade.

Australian trade minister Don Farrell mused about the action, saying he couldn’t imagine what those poor penguins had done to Trump. "It just shows and exemplifies the fact that nowhere on Earth is safe from this," added Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese.

Trump's tariffs on mainland Australia are 10%. But a tariff of 29% was imposed on Norfolk Island, another Australian territory—population 2,200. The new tariff could cripple the island's tiny economy, which is based on agriculture and tourism and has virtually no impact on U.S. imports. The island exported $300,000 worth of goods to the U.S. in 2022, $700,000 in 2023 and $200,000 in 2024. Its imports from the U.S. stayed at $100,000 in those years.

Gye Duncan, a Norfolk Island business owner, is dumbfounded by Trump's tariff: “Oh jeez, Norfolk Island is obviously a bigger threat than Australia to the U.S. economy ...”

Well Wilson, protectionism and tariffs were a big deal in the early 1930s and helped plunge this country into the Great Depression. But still, there are folks who long for the good ol' days. So why don't you and the guys in the band take us out with something nostalgic so we can get all warm and fuzzy about what's to come:

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played
Songs that made the hit parade
Guys like us we had it made
Those were the days

And you knew who you were then
Girls were girls and men were men
Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again

Didn't need no welfare state
Everybody pulled his weight
Gee, our old LaSalle ran great
Those were the days

People seemed to be content
Fifty dollars paid the rent
Freaks were in a circus tent
Those were the days

Hair was short, and skirts were long
Kate Smith really sold a song
I don't know just what went wrong
Those were the days.
—Theme song for All In The Family, 1971-1980