This week in Utah—a psychic, a prophet, ‘Real Housewives’ and a G-string eyepatch 

Holy moly, have you heard the latest about the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City? They're in Bermuda hanging out together, which is weird when you consider they hate each other.

Lucky for us, our old pal Scotty Pierce at The Salt Lake Tribune keeps us informed: “Monica tells Lisa that Meredith is spreading rumors that Angie is in the Greek mafia and, among other things, owes $170,000 to the IRS.”

But wait, there's more fun news: Tim Ballard, the dude who used to run Operation Underground Railroad (OUR) and claims to rescue trafficked children, is up to his neck in alligators and allegations of sexual misconduct and assault. Get this: he hired a psychic to find the trafficked children. So cool.

According to investigation documents, Ballard commissioned psychic Janet Russon, who reportedly communicated with Nephi, the Mormon prophet said to have lived around 600 B.C. For the record, Russon said she didn't talk to Nephi.

The whole thing gets rather messy. But not as wacky as the Real Housewives: “For her birthday dinner, Monica wants everyone to dress like a pirate,” Pierce writes. “Whitney has some difficulty with her pirate costume: 'My outfit came with a G-string and I thought it was an eyepatch and I put it on.'” You just can't make this stuff up.

Study: Morning People Have Neanderthal DNA
Hey Wilson, there finally is some real evidence that the guys in the band aren't cavemen. A study reveals that Neanderthals were morning people. We are not making this up.

Scientists compared DNA in living humans to genetic material from Neanderthal fossils. The elephant in the room, of course, is how did that Neanderthal DNA get into humans. Yes Wilson, you do know the answer: the old fashioned way, they did the dirty deed.

Some time 50,000 or 60,000 years ago, your great-grandmother-to-the-100th-power got it on with one of those studly, redheaded cavemen. But don't say anything to the White Christian Nationalists, it could ruin their day, what with their “pure white people” thing.

Creationists, of course, find this Neanderthal stuff crazy—it flies in the face of The Bible. Many of them believe the Earth and all its beings are only 6,000 years old. And after all, if evolution were true, why isn't every other baby born a chimpanzee. But we digress.

Homo sapiens appeared about 300,000 years ago in Africa and eventually migrated to Europe where they found our cousins, Homo neanderthalensis, and the prehistoric dating game began. Somewhere around 40,000 years ago Neanderthals disappeared. Maybe that morning person thing isn't all it's cracked up to be, after all.

The Real Reason Joe Biden Should Be Impeached
You've heard it before: justice delayed is justice denied and that's why Republicans are pushing ahead with an impeachment inquiry into Hunter Biden … er, uh, his father. Democrats say there is nothing there—but wait, there may be evidence that points to something like evidence on Hunter Biden's laptop that he lost when stoned out of his gourd.

The president's son snorted and whored his way across Europe, throwing his father's name around like a Black Friday close-out to entice big shots to fork over large bucks. Rumors have it the FBI might be hiding evidence of evidence that Hunter got $5 million hidden in a Virgin Mary figurine from a dude with ties to Burisma, a Ukrainian gas company. Burisma, Burisma, Benghazi, Benghazi...

The reputed evidence of the smoking Virgin Mary was slipped to the Trump Justice Department by special counsel to President Trump, Secret Agent Rudy Giuliani, after he roamed around eastern European card rooms before the 2020 election. The theoretical evidence of potential evidence is a FD-1023 internal document from a confidential informant who could appear any minute at Hunter Biden's impeachment inquiry. Then Americans will know that Donald Trump isn't the only criminal running for president.

Postscript—That's just about going to do it for another smoggy week here in the City of Salt, where we keep track of deadly air pollution so you don't have to. Just pretend it's not killing your children and remember Utah's mantra—Growth, Growth, Growth!

OK Wilson, the word of the week is Schadenfreude—joy over others’ misfortune. It popped up following reports that the chairman of the Florida GOP and his wife were having a menage a trois—aka three-way—with another woman. Christian Ziegler and his wife Bridget, who is cofounder of the conservative extremist group Moms for Liberty and sits on the Sarasota School Board, caught the spotlight when the other woman accused Mr. Ziegler of rape. He denied the allegation, but the power couple's cover is blown. Darn. Next time we'll review the word, “Hypocrite.”

If you think our morals are slipping, check this out: Mike Johnson, the new speaker of the U.S. House, once won a lawsuit that captured $18 million in tax money for a Noah's Ark amusement park in Kentucky that features a huge vessel said to be like the one in the biblical flood. It was created by Answers in Genesis, a creationist organization that believes God created the Earth in six days and the world is 6,000 years old. Your tax dollars at work. Say amen.

Well Wilson, we ought to get the band to do something for those poor morning people who worry that they'll pass on Neanderthal DNA to their children. But it can't be all bad, the Neanderthals may have had the key to a better lifestyle. So hit it, Wilson:

In man's evolution he has created the cities and
The motor traffic rumble, but give me half a chance
And I'd be taking off my clothes and living in the jungle
'Cos the only time that I feel at ease
Is swinging up and down in a coconut tree
Oh what a life of luxury to be like an ape man
I'm an ape, I'm an ape ape man, I'm an ape man
I'm a King Kong man, I'm a voo-doo man
I'm an ape man