True TV | Hide Out: Lost, Last Comic Standing, In Plain Sight, The Tudors, The Venture Bros., Deion & Pilar 

Lost Thursday, May 29 (ABC)
Two-Hour Season Finale: Me, I only care about the polar bears and the giant four-toed foot—where’s my closure? Lost will end, definitely, in 2010; the current strike-shortened season has benefited so much from having fewer episodes to fuck around with that I say make the final two about eight eps apiece and call it good. Of course, some have asked me to not recap Season 4 thus far since they have to “wait for the DVD set” because they’re far too sophisticated to watch Lost when it’s actually on TV like the rest of us. To them, I say … the Oceanic Six are Jack, Kate, Hurley, Sayid, Sun and Baby Aaron! The island can “move”! Mr. Cluck’s Chicken is people! Ha!

Last Comic Standing Thursdays (NBC)
New Season: Salt Lake City’s hard-working Marcus (just Marcus) has made the first cut in NBC’s sixth comedian search—and yet the local media is still obsessed with David Archuleta and That Godawful Karaoke Show. If Marcus makes it past tonight, will he continue to be reality-snubbed a la Survivor: China’s Todd Herzog, the gay Mormon straight outta Pleasant Grove? Yeah, probably—Marcus is well past the tattoo maximum to even be allowed near the KSL 5 studio.

In Plain Sight Sunday, June 1 (USA)
Series Debut: USA isn’t going to top Burn Notice (returning June 28—squeal!) when it comes to Zero Cool Crime Drama, but In Plain Sight damned near matches it by stepping in the opposite direction. U.S. Marshal Mary Shannon (Mary McCormack) isn’t smooth and slick like Burn Notice’s ex-spy; she’s rough, deadly cynical and drives a beat-up Mustang—less James Bond, more Jim Rockford. With her coincidentally named partner Marshall (Frederick Weller, pushing the glib wisecrack envelope), Mary babysits criminals and informants relocated to New Mexico via the witness protection program. As with the best new-school crime serials, the cases are less important than the characters, and In Plain Sight has a potentially great one in Marshal Mary: Little of her personal story is spelled out early on, a tact that other cable series (say, Saving Grace) could learn from.

The Tudors Sunday, June 1 (Showtime)
Season Finale: Unfortunately, history dictates that Anne Boleyn has to lose her head tonight—stupid history. The darker second season of The Tudors (a sexed-up, color-splashed take on the tale of England’s King Henry VIII, with a Project Renaissance Runway flair for fashion) has been almost as much a showcase for Natalie Dormer’s smoldering Anne as Jonathan Rhys Meyers’ increasingly intense Henry. With at least one more season (and four pending wives) to go, it’s tough to imagine the series without her. Unless Showtime starts pulling future wives from the Californication pool …

The Venture Bros. Sunday, June 1 (Adult Swim)
Season Premiere: In the far-too-long-awaited third season premiere of The Venture Bros. (less a Jonny Quest riff than a brilliant and brutally funny satire of superhero culture), the actual brothers—who rarely factor into episodes, anyway—are nowhere to be seen. Ditto Dr. Venture and Brock Samson: This one’s all about the origins of The Monarch (the Doc’s delusional, butterfly-costumed arch-nemesis) and his beloved Dr. Girlfriend (a husky-voiced Jackie O ringer). Seems Dr. Girlfriend began her super-villainess career as Lady Au Pair (“My murderous moppets were kinda hard to handle.”) while The Monarch was originally … a henchman in the Phantom Limb’s Shadowmen 9?! Geek-squeal!

Deion & Pilar: Prime Time Love Tuesday, June 3 (Oxygen)
Season Finale: What happens when the two dullest people on the planet are given their own reality show? Ratings gold! What’s next? Denise Richards and Dina Lohan? Ha! Oh, wait … really?

DVD

Boarding Gate
A former hooker (Asia Argento) escapes London for Hong Kong after an S&M session with Michael Madsen goes bad (as they usually do). Sex, drugs, violence, gun play, nudity and the usual Argento antics ensue. All this, and Sonic Youth’s Kim Gordon as a China gangsta!
MagPictures.com

The Dead Zone: The Final Season
You’d think that over six seasons, The Dead Zone could have finally resolved that whole apocalypse subplot properly; too bad the series milked it too long and got canceled before the planet did. The Final Season ties up the loose ends, but why no alternate finale in flames? Just me?
Lionsgate.com

The Eye
Jessica Alba’s string of terrible, terrible movies continues with a remake of a Korean horror flick about a blind woman who receives a pair of haunted transplant eyeballs and begins seeing dead people. So, really, it should have been called The Eyes. Or, Jessica Alba Sucks Once Again.
Lionsgate.com

Semi-Pro
The true story of ABA-NBA merger of the ’70s—sort of. Will Ferrell plays Jackie Moon, owner of Michigan’s Flint Tropics (you know, like Utah Jazz) and promotional genius, er, idiot. Not Ferrell’s best sports comedy, but hey: Afros, bear fights and Russian roulette! Just me?
NewLine.com

Weeds: Season 3
Arguably the most action-packed and funniest season of Weeds yet, despite the ill-advised addition of Mary-Kate Olsen as a Jesus-freak pot dealer. Mary-Louise Parker is as amazing as ever, but the rest of the cast has finally risen to her level—just in time for the ’burbs to burn down.
Lionsgate.com

More New DVD Releases (June 3)
The Andromeda Strain, CHiPs: Season 2, Flavor of Love: Season 3, I Love New York: Season 2, The Incredible Hulk: Seasons 3-4, Mannix: Season 1, Meet the Spartans, The Onion Movie, Rescue Me: Season 4, Vince Vaughn’s Wild West Comedy Tour

Listen to Bill Mondays at 8 a.m. on X96’s Radio From Hell. Bear-fight blogging at BillFrost.tv.