Who Leaked the leak—the Supreme Court snipe hunt 

A curious odor is coming from the investigation into the mysterious leak of the U.S. Supreme Court decision in Dobbs v. Jackson Women's Health that overturned Roe v. Wade. The leak is said to be the biggest breach of integrity in Supreme Court history.

But a just-completed probe by the Supreme Court's Marshal (not the U.S. Marshals Service) came up with nothing, nada, zilch. Justice Samuel Alito, who authored the Dobbs decision, said the leak could have led to his assassination. Where's John Grisham when you need him?

Fact 1: The court's marshal is the chief security officer and facilities administrator for the Supreme Court building—not an investigatory body, like the FBI.

Fact 2: The court's marshal did not ask the justices to sign affidavits swearing they didn't leak it. Fact 3: Michael Chertoff, the former secretary of Homeland Security who wrote a letter endorsing the investigation's findings, had previously-undisclosed financial ties to the court.

Fact 4: The marshal did not question former clerks.

Fact 5: It did not gather telephone or text data.

"A nuclear bomb went off at the Supreme Court," said Dahlia Lithwick, senior editor at Slate. "Now it's so sad, too bad."

When is an investigation not an investigation? When no one really wants to know who done it.

Save the Lake—Cut Down the Friggin' Trees
Finally, someone has come up with a real sense solution to saving the Great Salt Lake: Cut down all the friggin' trees—they're using up all the friggin' water! Isn't it always the case, the solution was staring us right in the face all along.

Trees aren't much good anyway; all they do is make shade, absorb carbon dioxide and produce oxygen. Then every fall we have to rake, rake, rake instead of watching football. Cutting them down is a solution that's so simple even Utah legislators grasped it and—surprise—they just love it.

Of course, there are those people who think too much Bear River water goes to growing alfalfa instead of going into the lake. Sure, some of the alfalfa is sold to China, but only 30%. And it only takes about 450,000 gallons of water to grow a ton of alfalfa. We're talking tradition here, it's part of our pioneer heritage. We can't just throw that away simply because the lake will disappear leaving a lakebed of toxic dust.

Besides, sending all that water into the lake would mean less alfalfa for China. Let's just cut down trees and let all that tree water refill the shrinking lake. Anyway, the Wasatch Front has way too many trees.

And here's a bonus, if we cut down the trees, they won't blow over in the next big windstorm. It's a win/win solution if there ever was one.

Investigate the Investigators
Things are about to get a lot better. Ohio Congressman Jim Jordan, who now chairs the House Judiciary Committee, is about to clear all the pinkos, deep state Democrats and Black Panthers out of the federal government. Props for Jim.

We know the Democrats have weaponized the Department of Justice. Why else would the FBI raid Donald Trump's seaside castle? We know why, because they're mean, hideous thugs who want to make Trump look silly—as though that were even possible.

This is not retribution for the DOJ investigating Republicans who were close to Jan. 6 insurrectionists. It only looks like retribution. Jimmy Jordan and his Republican statesmen in the House are going to de-weaponize the weaponized DOJ.

See, here's the thing, the DOJ, FBI, etc., only investigate Republicans. They never investigate Democrats. And what about that Fauci dude and Hunter Biden? They haven't been investigated. It's just not right.

And it only gets worse—in its report, the House Select Committee for Jan. 6 described Jordan as a "significant player" in Trump's failed coup. And we know that's intended to sick the FBI on Jimmy. Isn't it obvious that someone has to investigate the investigators? It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it. Lucky for us, Jimmy Jordan just loves dirty jobs.

Postscript—That's it for another frigid week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of pollutants from Mag Corp wafting over Salt Lake Valley so you don't have to. US Magnesium, located on the western shore of the Great Salt Lake, is responsible for 25% of chemicals released into the air that form PM2.5—very nasty pollution. This, of course, is among the reasons why we have The Greatest Air On Earth.

Why doesn't the Utah Travel Council advertise that with big electronic billboards in every major airport in the country, like it does with our ski resorts and national parks? Yes Wilson, that was a rhetorical question. But take heart, the air in New Delhi, India, is worse than ours—on some days.

From our "News U Can Use" file: A woman in Coventry, Conn., opened a breakfast cafe named "Woke Breakfast & Coffee," not realizing she had just jumped head first into the culture wars. Facebook lit up with nasty comments and accusations that she was making a political statement with breakfast (How dastardly!). But the backlash had a backlash and, according to The Washington Post, folks lined up for a woke breakfast.

And finally this: HORMEL has come out with a beer called Chili Cheese Brew that "captures the essence of HORMEL Chili Cheese Dip." Bottoms up.

Alright Wilson, we gotta do something for the poor Supreme Court. They can't find the leak and it's the worst thing that ever happened to Samuel Alito. He could've been assassinated or worse. Really!

Well, on second thought maybe you and the guys in the band can take us out with something for the cat burglar who leaked the leak:

There's a man who leads a life of danger
To everyone he meets he stays a stranger
With every move he makes
Another chance he takes
Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow

Secret Agent Man
Secret Agent Man
They've given you a number and taken away your name

Beware of pretty faces that you find
A pretty face can hide an evil mind
Oh, be careful what you say
Or you'll give yourself away
Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow

Secret Agent Man
Secret Agent Man
They've given you a number and taken away your name

Swinging on the Riviera one day
And then laying in a Bombay alley next day
Oh, don't you let the wrong words slip
While kissing persuasive lips
Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow

Secret Agent Man
Secret Agent Man
They've given you a number and taken away your name
"Secret Agent Man"—Johnny Rivers