Woman For Duty, Boy For Pleasure, Melon For Ecstasy 

OK Wilson, listen, we did not make this up: "A woman for duty, a boy for pleasure but a melon for ecstasy." It's an old Turkish proverb—for real. It's a notion Utah legislators would find pornographic somehow. Maybe they're doing things with melons the staff here at Smart Bomb has not thought of and, frankly, doesn't want to think about.

Republican lawmakers often make Freudian slips like that. They want to ban books, ban trans people, ban seltzer—what's next, melons? And which melons would they ban first. Luckily our blessed brethren (and sistren) on Capitol Hill have finally adjourned for another year and melons are still legal.

Lawmakers had to tackle the big stuff first, like porn filters on phones and tablets, banning transgender athletes from girls sports and more freedom to carry guns wherever you want, including girls sporting events. And they changed the name of Dixie State College because "Dixie" is linked to slavery—and they sought to outlaw teaching about slavery in public schools.

You're right, Wilson, lawmakers should consider other Turkish proverbs, like this: "A fool finds no pleasure in understanding, but delights in airing his own opinions."

That would go nicely engraved above the doors to the House and Senate chambers. Dream on.

Why Don't They Do Something About Homelessness
Yeah, damnit, why don't they do something about the homeless. I mean, we are so sick and tired of seeing all those tents everywhere and all those raggedy people pushing stolen shopping carts full of weird stuff all over town. Why isn't Salt Lake City doing something?

Well, it can't be that they've been busting a hump for the last decade and are simply overwhelmed as the homeless population soars. It can't be that every time they find one person a home, another loses theirs. It can't be that Reaganomics has undercut the middle class over 40 years. It can't be that low-wage earners can't afford housing anymore.

Why do people want to be homeless, anyway? Why do all those single moms who suddenly find themselves without breadwinners want to be homeless?

Look, the Utah Legislature just funded $55 million for homelessness. Sure, Gov. Spencer Cox asked for $228 million and Utah did have a $2 billion surplus—$1.4 billion from the federal American Rescue Plan Act. But conservative lawmakers don't want to spend more dough on the downtrodden who should pull themselves up by their Air Jordans. Sure, they lack transportation, a mailing address, medical care and their IDs and phones may have been stolen. But other than that, what's the problem?

Rainbows Banned at BYU—Even When it Rains
Alright you LGBTQ people, you've been freakin' warned—no rainbows at the Lord's school in Provo. This is serious.

It's so serious that the big dogs who run Brigham Young's namesake university have built a fence around the giant "Y" on the mountain that, scandal of scandals, those damn LGBTQers lit up with rainbow colored lights one year ago. The nerve, a rainbow at BYU! Brigham Young, no doubt, is rolling over in the Celestial Kingdom with his 27 wives.

It goes without saying that LGBTQ relationships are sinful, sinful, sinful. And it flies in the face of the BYU Honor Code that prohibits touching of any kind except, of course, for the secret handshake. Unfortunately, some people just cannot seem to walk in the Lord's light.

Last week, about 20 students showed up on campus wearing rainbow T-shirts and they knew damn well that rainbows of any kind are strictly verboten—that means you can't freakin' wear rainbow T-shirts, rainbow pants or rainbow hats.

Beyond that, the Mormon Church does not sanction rainbow undies or anything that legitimizes gay or trans rights and freedom. So, get over it. BYU is a private school and those people don't have to attend. If they want to sin, they should enroll at the University of Utah.

Postscript—That's a wrap for another war-torn week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of Donald Trump's B.S. so you don't have to. Here's the latest from The Big Orange: "The United States should label its F-22 planes with the Chinese flag and bomb the shit out of Russia." (No Wilson, we are not making this up.) "And then we say 'China did it, we didn't do it, China did it.' And then they start fighting with each other and we sit back and watch," he said with his infamous Cheshire-Cat grin.

That was just one of the highlights from the former president's 84-minute speech to the GOP's top donors. Here are some other highlights: Putin wouldn't have invaded Ukraine if Trump were president; Mitch McConnell is "stupid and corrupt"; NATO is a "paper tiger"; Mike Pence is a "conveyor belt—like for corn (meaning ... who knows what); Kellyanne Conway's husband, George Conway, is a "stupid son of a bitch"; and California Democrat Adam Schiff is a "watermelon head ... because his head is shaped like a watermelon."

What Trump did not repeat, as he has many times before, is that he is the greatest president the country has ever had—even greater than Lincoln. He delivers speeches better than Lincoln, too. Makes you proud.

Alright Wilson, why don't you and the band sing out the 2022 session of the Legislature with a special shout out to Senate President Stuart Adams, who really is the essence of a Utah lawmaker. And since we're talking brilliance here, why not throw in The Big Orange for good measure.

Here come old flat-top, he come groovin' up slowly
He got ju-ju eyeball, he one holy roller
He got hair down to his knees
Got to be a joker, he just do what he please

He wear no shoeshine, he got toe-jam football
He got monkey finger, he shoot Coca-Cola
He say, "I know you, you know me"
One thing I can tell you is you got to be free

Come together, right now
Over me

He bag production, he got walrus gumboot
He got Ono sideboard, he one spinal cracker
He got feet down below his knees
Hold you in his armchair, you can feel his disease

He roller-coaster, he got early warnin'
He got muddy water, he one mojo filter
He say, "One and one and one is three"
Got to be good-lookin' 'cause he's so hard to see

Come together, right now
Over me
Ugh!
"Come Together"—The Beatles