You little taxpayers, you’re in for a big treat 

Great news for Salt Lake City taxpayers: You'll now be paying $300 million more for the magical wonderland coming to downtown around the Delta Center.

You were already on the hook for $900 million so that billionaire Ryan Smith and his Smith Entertainment Group could build a sports/entertainment district to keep downtown Salt Lake City from turning into a ghost town with tumble weeds and wild dogs. In something akin to a quick kick, the Governor's Office of Economic Opportunity met in the men's room and voted to include property taxes from two luxury hotels and an apartment tower into Smithland—or whatever they're going to call it. (Just another $300 million that won't go to city streets and parks and the mayor's salary.)

With the proverbial gun to its head, the Salt Lake City Council approved the deal and tried to sound philosophical following the ambush. After all, Salt Lake City will be getting what Smith promises will be a $3 billion sports/entertainment Disneyland—sans Mr. Toad's Wild Ride—that will keep the seat of Mormondom from turning into something like Lubbock, Texas. That's right Wilson, saviors do come in different forms.

It’s lucky for Salt Lake City that Ryan Smith came along to get taxpayers to build him a personal economic engine where the little, working people can come see how their money was spent.

It’s Official—Utah Drivers Suck
Hey Wilson, this may come as a shock but there are reports that Utah drivers suck. That might seem somewhat subjective, but the Utah Highway Patrol has confirmed it—for real.

It's not just cellphones, according to UHP Col. Michael Rapich. “In the last week, our officers have identified people brushing their teeth, styling their hair, eating meals, and reading books while trying to drive a vehicle,” Rapich said.

Still, what's a commuter to do—you have to eat. That said, inhaling a bowl of Lucky Charms in freeway rush-hour traffic could be pushing it. Yes Wilson, we know you and the guys in the band used to drive cross-county on LSD, but there was less traffic back then.

And face it, people's lives are much busier now. For example, do you want to pull over to brush your teeth and be late for work and get the stink eye from your boss, or apply some dental hygiene while whisking down the boulevard? All drivers are guilty, but when you're in a hurry and the woman at the stoplight is doing her eyelashes when it turns green, it can be vexing.

U of U Professor David Strayer studies distracted drivers with tests that reveal multitasking diminishes awareness. But getting amorous in a moving vehicle apparently wasn't part of the study. And as you know all too well Wilson, it's a real challenge to concentrate on the roadway while ... you get the picture.

According to the UHP, drivers will be ticketed and fined up to $100 for distracted driving, even if they don't crash or break any laws. It isn't clear, however, whether the fine would be greater for moving sex violations.

The Donald Loves a Parade—Especially One Exalting Himself
Some folks love a parade, especially a military parade with tanks and missiles and goose-stepping soldiers in high boots and shiny helmets. North Koreans love 'em. Russians love 'em, too. Germany once loved 'em, but it's gone out of style there.

Military parades are mighty and masculine, and President Donald J. Trump wants one on Flag Day, June 14, which just coincidentally falls on his birthday. Imagine the pageantry and the excitement as all those killing machines roll down Pennsylvania Avenue with squadrons of fighter jets screeching through the blue sky. China's Xi Jinping and Russia'sVladimir Putin will be olive green with envy.

And Donald's whole family will be on a reviewing stand saluting Old Glory as she floats by with a U.S. Marine color guard in dress blues. Melania might even show up with a big hat and a Versace jacket with a military motif and Elon Musk, no doubt, will give the Nazi salute.

The plan, however, isn't exactly new. Trump wanted a parade in 2018 after visiting Paris and the Bastille Day Parade. “Oh boy,” The Donald said at the time, “It was one of the greatest parades I’ve ever seen ... We’re gonna have to try and top it.” Alas, military leaders dumped cold water on the $90 million price tag, which totally pissed The Donald off.

But that was then and this is now—the bigger, better Donald wants majesty and kingliness, damnit. The spectacle will be so amazing that people might forget for a moment that the markets and the sky are falling.

Postscript—That's just about going to do it for another fantastical week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of freedom of speech so you don't have to. “If we don’t have free speech, then we just don’t have a free country. It’s as simple as that,” said President Trump, with the exception, of course, of MSNBC, NPR, PBS and other enemies of the people.

The Justice Department will investigate any deep state bureaucrats who, under the guise of reining in online disinformation, attempt to censor right-wing propaganda. “The fight for Free Speech is a matter of victory or death for America—and for the survival of Western Civilization itself,” Trump said, with the exception, of course, of colleges and universities where liberals and Marxists indoctrinate young people with falsehoods.

As such, Trump created the “Task Force to Combat Antisemitism,” which will investigate universities rampant with discrimination against conservatives. It will seek to strip federal research dollars and student loan support from universities involved in “censorship activities or election interferences.”

In the line of fire after pro-Palestinian protests on its campus, Columbia University agreed to beef up its disciplinary policies and cede oversight of the university’s Middle Eastern, South Asian and African Studies Department to make sure the wrong facts aren't found in academic discourse. Said Trump: “By restoring free speech we will begin to reclaim our democracy, and save our nation.”

Well Wilson, we got us some dark times. But as Hunter S. Thompson once said, when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. And so as Rome burns, the Republicans—particularly Utah's congressional delegation—are having a rousing time of optimism. How could things possibly get better.

Well Wilson, you and the guys in the band got anything to sum up whatever the hell is going on?

A world become one
Of salads and sun
Only a fool would say that
A boy with a plan
A natural man
Wearing a white stetson hat
Unhand that gun begone
There's no one to fire upon
If he's holding it high
He's telling a lie

I heard it was you
Talkin' 'bout a world
Where all is free
It just couldn't be
And only a fool would say that
“Only A Fool Would Say That”—Steely Dan